The Slade Family

Thankful for Cognitice Dissonance

2010-12-09T06:05:00.000-08:00

"a man cannot serve two masters" 3 Ne 13:24 This is something I have been thinking about lately. Having taught Psychology in High school a couple of times, I relate this to the little knowledge I have there.

Cognitive dissonance = an uncomfortable mental state resulting form conflicting cognitions. A change in attitudes, beliefs, and/ or actions is required to relieve cognitive dissonance. Dissonance can also be reduced by justifying, blaming, adn denying.

I am so grateful for cognitive dissonance. It is a very uncomfortable state to be in for me. But, those feelings of discomfort are telling me, "you are not living as you believe, so either change how you believe, or change how you live"

I watched the movie, "tangled" over the Thanksgiving holiday with my children. In this movie there is a scene where she has left the tower without her "mother's" knowledge. She has so much joy in her experiences and yet so much guilt because she is going against what she was taught. At one point the "prince/thief" says to her, "I can see that you are torn"

I thought...wow! That is so how I have felt so often. Torn. She didn't know what was right and what wasn't. Throughout the movie, she figured things out and followed her heart.

We should all follow our own hearts. But in order to do that, we first must find out for ourselves what we believe. When we experience cognitive dissonance we have the choice to change our beliefs and/or actions to either meet those of the natural man or those of God. But first, again, we must know the truth...we must know for ourselves what is right and we must live that way and never let anyone convince us otherwise.

A bag of rocks...

2010-12-08T05:13:00.000-08:00

There once was a story I heard. Of people who place offenses against them into a bag, and although for a time they say that they have forgiven, when a similar offense is made, the rocks return and the new offense becomes just another addition to the pile they have kept. Even if the offense is small compared to past offenses, it seems so much bigger once added to the pile.

I have thought much about this and wondered what that bag of rocks must feel like. Ok, let me explain. When someone hurts you, especially when their behavior continues over and over again. Often those emotions get placed into a bag, figuratively speaking. When that person is seen the weight of the rocks are felt. What does that feel like? Well, to me it feels like an instant knot in your stomach, or a desire to avoid contact, or just a simple look away. The feelings of those "rocks" weigh heavy.

How many of us have rocks that we carry for ourselves. How many of us when we wake up in the morning look at ourselves and feel of our past mistakes, over and over again. I do.

How many of us have rocks that we carry for others? I do.

But, my husband. Nope. I am not sure how he does it. But he never carries rocks. This doesn't mean that he doesn't remember what was done, but his behavior and his treatment of others is never based on what they have done. It is based on who they are, children of God.

I have felt this from him. He has amazed me over and over again. I have struggles. Struggles and behaviors that repeat themselves. Behaviors and struggles that seems like they will never go away. Each time I struggle with the same thing. Each time I behave in a way I have so many times, I feel those rocks of my past weighing heavy on my back. I see myself as that bag of rocks. But my husband. He never does. He sees who I am. He sees who I can be, and he never demonstrates remembrance of my past mistakes. His words to me are often, "I wish you could see you the way I see you" That amazes me.

Can we truly see others as who they are, if we have rocks in a bag that we carry around with us?

Christ knows us. He knows whether or not we will ultimately choose good or evil. He knows what our actions will be and how many times we will make the same mistake over and over again. He also knows are hearts. He knows not only what our actions will be, but what our true natures are. And yet, he continues to accept us. He continues to trust us. To allow us to have experiences after experiences. He continues to accept and love us and never treats us as a bag of past rocks. And he has all the knowledge to judge. WE DO NOT!

I know that I have carried rocks for others. I have some that when I see I am uncomfortable. I have some that when they call or come to visit, it is most difficult for me to let them in again. Why? I have those rocks. Those rocks of judgement. How can we ever claim to have the right to reject someone who comes to us asking for forgiveness and another chance? What gives us that right? Well, no one. We don't have the right. We are not Christ...and we are commanded to not judge.

No one is a better example to me of this then my husband. Never does he remind me that I have done this before. Never does he reject anyone who comes to him. What a blessing I have to have him in my life. A small example of Christ and his love for us.

"forgive them, for they know not what they do" Christ

How did He do it?

2010-10-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

I am a hurtful, vindictive person at times. Most of the time I am sweet, kind, thoughtful and loving to those around me. But there are a few people in my life I have tested and tried beyond their ability to withstand. I have heard the words, "I have enough hurt in my life, I do not need yours". It is true. I understand it. I would do the same in their place. I sorrow over the lost or drastically changed relationship, and pray each day I can change for good, finally, and know for sure that I will never hurt anyone again.

I wonder as I ponder. How did Christ do it? How does he continue to do what he does today? Here is a man who came to Earth, the son of God. He was mocked and tried and had many many trials and yet in the midst of these he escaped into the Garden to take on all our pains and sorrows. He, knowing we would be repeating the offenses, and mistakes over and over again. He took them all. Every single one of them. Not only that, he loves us still and His arms are open to receive us. How?

How can He love so deeply that he accepts the sorrow, the stripes and the pain, even through his own. I am amazed that although I have worn out the patience of some around me, I have not yet worn out the love of my Savior. Through all of this, He is there, comforting me, encouraging me, and taking away the sorrows I feel for things I have done. How very much He loves me. How very much He loves all of us.

I pray that as I continue through my life, and I am faced with enough. I remember, and stretch a little more, try to become more like Christ and receive a little more love for those around me.

Pride and the fall thereof....

2010-09-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

In the scriptures it seems to me that Pride is the great sin. In Lehi's dream, Pride was the great and spacious building. "and it fell, and the fall thereof was esceedingly great". The Lord continues to speak often on how pride is the center of wickedness. It is the pride of the people that bring them down, that lead them to destruction. It is pride that can destroy our souls. It is pride that must be overcome. God tells us that the "proud shall be as stubble" and "the proud and the lofty shall be brought low"

Now on to fear. I suffer from high anxiety. I fear greatly many things. One thing I fear is the loss of relationships. Mix this with a bit of pride and I have found great lessons for me. Lessons on how I need to watch myself, and take care not to become prideful.

Many years ago, I was very afraid. Afraid of my husband dying. This was such a gripping fear at the time that I felt unable to cope. I did what I thought I should and attended the temple. I found great peace there. while that peace chased away my fear and gave me faith. I discovered years later that I had also opened the door to great pride. I felt that day that I had received a "premonition". I thought I knew exactely what might be one day. I held onto that thought refusing to listen to anything else. I became prideful.

This pride led to other times where I felt for sure I could just know what tomorrow was going to bring. Through many, many years I have been brought low. I am sad that my pride, my foolishness and my pride hurt some people around me. I am sad to report that because I wouldn't accept anything but my own prideful idea, I missed the truth often of what the Lord really meant that day.

Pride is a most difficult thing to over come. It takes a lot of sorrow and humility to overcome being prideful. I guess I want to give a warning to all. Beware of pride. It comes in so many different ways. It disguises itself and if we are not always watching our thoughts and actions, before we know it, we may find ourselves full of pride.

The wonderful part? I have also learned that my Heavenly Father loves me. I am the dust of the earth and yet at the same time...A child of God.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn a little more on how easily pride can enter our hearts. It makes the experiences, however much they hurt, worth it. And now...the rest of the story. Trust in the Lord.

That is amazing to me.

What am I thinking?

2010-09-23T10:28:00.001-07:00

Changes...Part 2

2010-09-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, first off, I admit. I am not good at this blogging thing. I so admire people who are. You all are amazing and I love to read your blogs. Christi, Kristen, especially yours. I love watching your kids grow, since I can not be close to them.

An update. First off, more changes. I am teaching Math. I love teaching and am so glad to be in front of a classroom again, but Math is taking some time to prepare out of class because I have never taught it before.

Each morning on the way to my school I pass a church (baptists or something like that). I like it because they have a sign that they put quotes on occassionally, it reminds me of driving through the towns at home. So many quotes.

theirs is and has been for a while "come as you are to worship". At first I read this as meaning that you could come dressed as you are, and I thought it a bit funny. Sunday best, not as you are. But the more I read it, the more different meanings have come to my mind. One I like in particular. "Come as you are..." A teaching of Christ. Church is NOT for those who are perfect. Church should not be a place we have to put on a face of pretentiousness. It is a place where we are accepted and loved just as we are. Imperfect! Christ doesn't want us to stay away because we don't feel as good as the others there. He doesn't even want us to spend the three hours of church pretending to be something we are not. He wants us to be there, just as we are.

so, I enjoy passing this sign. I enjoy feeling ok about me, just as I am. I will be there worshiping my savior, not hiding who I am, but showing him who I am, feeling accepted for who I am, loved for who I am, and then allowing him to work with what I am to help me become better.

My thought for the day. (or week or two, or until I write again)

Tracking the changes

2010-09-08T05:23:00.000-07:00

I have decided that it might be a good idea to write about my experiences with this change. Not teaching is definitely an adjustment, but I am discovering it is a great time to get to know myself once more. To find out who I am. It is humbling to feel so inadequate at times, but humility has often brought me closer to my Savior and therefore given me more strength than I have had before.

so, Yesterday, well, I struggled to get up as early as I wanted. It seemed difficult for me to justify getting up when I had all day to do what ever I chose. But, sleeping in set the tone for the day. I found myself less productive and less willing to do much...and overall I did less than I know I could have. Interesting....

So, this morning I got up to study and prepare for the day, when I wanted. I guess we will see how the rest of the day goes.

Joy comes from within. My joy comes from me and no one else. Monday was a holiday and I was bored and frustrated. I went to a friend to be lifted up only to discover that it didn't work. I needed to lift myself. Choose for myself to find joy in even the days of rejection, frustration, and boredom. A good lesson...a good experience.

Later...

family Happenings

2010-09-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

Changes

Wow! The changes have come in large amounts. It is strange. I am not longer teaching school, Lizzy is attending the public Jr. High as a ninth grader, and my older two kids are well, growing up.

So, What have a learned? First, I am just not that great of a stay at home mom. I have few skills. I don't sew, can, cook elaborate meals each day after planning it out precisely and finally I am not very good at blogging and stuff. Some days I find myself alone in the house and think...Now what?

But then I remember who I am. I actually am a pretty awesome person. I love people. I love to help people. I love being a mom. I am enjoying seeing my daughter in the mornings before school and my other daughter before work. I enjoy being here when they get home, and I enjoy just hanging out with them. I enjoy tutoring a couple kids in the afternoons and evenings. I enjoy a little bit cleaner house than usual. I enjoy learning new things and trying new things.

Am I wonder woman? Am I even close to the perfection of my neighbor? NO...but hey, I still think I am doing pretty well.

For me anyway,

Later

A new experience….

2010-05-12T09:58:00.001-07:00

I have fears. Surprise. There are things that make my heart pound and my hands shake. It isn't snakes, spiders, or heights as many people but my fear is losing relationships. When I am afraid…I get a little crazy. I become what some have called "high maintenance". I need reassurance that I am ok or that I will be ok. I become kind of crazy in a way. I push others away, I become illogical and well…kind of insane.

Ok…so now that I have that off my chest…let's look at why maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Why am I afraid? Well, actually it is fairly logical why I am afraid of this. So..logical, not crazy.

Anyway, the point. Who I am is a gift from my Heavenly Father. So, is this a gift? Well, yes. How? Well, my gift has helped me to be more compassionate and accepting of many others who, well, aren't always so "normal" or who struggle with something else in their lives, or who aren't perfect yet.

Another reason? This is hard. When I am afraid, it is as if I have little control and little ability. I can not do it on my own. For this requires me to turn to my Savior, to get on my knees and talk with Him, to ask him to help me, to depend on Him. This strengthens my relationship with Him, because I learn that through it all, He is there.

How can something that brings me to my Savior be a bad thing? It isn't!. Truly. It is a blessing. For it is when we need our Savior that we grow the most and when we discover that we can't do it all alone and allow our Savior to build us…that we become more than we ever could without him.

This struggle for me is a blessing. I mean other than this I am pretty much perfect. Ok not really, but I am very independent, strong, and able. I am not the type of personality to ask others for help. I do it all myself. But this, I can't do myself, and others can't always help me, but my Savior. He is always there. And it is during my hardest times of trial that I kneel down.

Our new additions....

2010-05-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

I thougth babies were no more in my house..WRONG. Thanks Stella for helping me out. What a great Mom you are.

So here they are...three pups. Two girls...One boy...

The Black and White one is the boy...

The hypocritical teacher

2010-04-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

I am a hypocritical teacher! Yup, that's me. as hypocritical as they come. You are maybe (or not) wondering what this means. Well, let me try to explain. I can remember many times sitting listening to others teach, whether it be in church or school. While teaching they would come off as being the expert on the subject. Sometimes as I would listen, I would know better. Either I knew them and knew that they really didn't know it as well as they that or that what they were teaching they weren't living. I was pretty judgmental in my day.

and then...well, it was my turn. My turn to not be someone who was so great. To be someone who taught things that maybe I wasn't the expert at. To stand in front of people and teach them something I was pretty sure I knew they knew I wasn't quite living. I can remember one time while I was teaching there was someone sitting there, who obviously didn't want to be there. I tried and tried as I was teaching to catch their eye (ask my students...I like to look people in the eyes while teaching). Through the entire lesson this person couldn't look at me, no comment...nothing. And well, I knew why. I was a hypocrite...and they knew it and I knew they knew it.

I continue to teach. I have come to the conlusion that we are all hypocrites in a way. We teach information we may not be experts on, but we teach what we know. We teach the perfect characteristics of Christ knowing we ourselves are not perfect. We teach others how to have good families knowing our families are not yet perfect. We teach how to better handle stress knowing we may not always handle stress as we teach.... But, this should matter.... I believe that we should still teach...

But...one thing we should NOT do? Well, judge all the hypocrites in the world who are teaching us. and instead remember that teaching is the best way to learn...and that we are all teachers adn we are all students.

I am hypocritical teacher..and I am ok with that.

Spring is in the air

2010-03-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

I love Spring. I love watching plants come back to life, bigger and better than before. I love watching the new bulb plants poke through the dirt. I love the leaves on trees...go green! I love spring.

I love that school is close to ending for the summer. I love to mow the lawn, plant my garden, sit outside in the sun...I love it all.

YEA for Spring.

Happy Birthday Kevin

2010-02-22T15:08:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of my son's last birthday here on this earth. Nine months to the day after this picture was taken he went to live with his Heavenly Father. A mother's love for a son is eternal and my heart continues to ache for him. I wish I could hold him, talk to him, see him.

If he were still here he would be 16 years of age on the 24th. Sometimes when I miss him I try to close my eyes and picture him as he might be. I never can. All I can ever see is his face at this time of his life.

He was such a sweet boy. I remember one day in first grade it was another student's birthday. That student gave each student in the class a balloon. After school as we were getting in the car a little girl from his class lost her balloon. Kevin looked at me and without saying a word walked over to her and gave her his balloon. That was just who he was...always worried and concerned of how others were feeling.

He was always curious about the world and everything around him. He loved soccer and enjoyed being with his friends. He had the most faith of all of us and during the early fall, only weeks before he passed away, we would take him for walks around the neighborhood. He was too weak to walk himself and so we pushed him in a large stroller (red...he picked out the color). He would look at the mountains and ask if next summer we could do more up in the mountains. He loved the mountains. He would ask if we would please sign him up for spring soccer. Each conversation broke my heart as I promised him things I knew would never be. He died October 24th.

Few can understand the sorrow that occurs when a mother loses a child. In fact I truly do not think you can understand unless you have experienced it. It is an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

Sometimes after his death I would watch a mother yell at her child or ignore them or read an article of children being neglected and think, "why don't they get it...I would give anything for 5 minutes with my son, and those 5 minutes would be all about him"

I learned a lot during his illness. I learned that sometimes housework and projects I might have just don't matter when a child needs you. I have often walked past a load of laundry or a wet paint brush to take care of a child. I also try hard to involve my children (and others...anyone who will loan me one) in what ever I am doing. I often have kids helping me clcean, make things in the kitchen, and such.

I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned by this experience and yet still wish I could see how things might be today with a 16 year old boy again.

Happy Birthday my little Kevin. You are missed.

Horses of course

2010-02-15T13:06:00.000-08:00

I made John stop on the side of the road so I could feed and pet some horses. I guess I still like those farm animals. Just a city girl's dream.

Ice castles

2010-02-15T12:58:00.001-08:00

These were pretty cool. Monday on our trip....

Our get away...

2010-02-15T12:46:00.001-08:00

These are at the homestead in Midway. It was a great, short trip. So many years and we still love spending time together...just because.

Me and my baby girl....

2010-02-15T12:36:00.001-08:00

This is Mom and Elizabeth as we often are..together and loving it. This is a basketball game for Meridian. They lost...but we had fun.

Happy Anniversary

2010-02-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

These pictures are old...The top one is from a dance John and I went to before we really knew how much we loved each other. The second picture is of the night John accepted my proposal of marriage (that's right folks...I asked him!). The last 24 years have been best years of my life. John really didn't know what he was getting into when he said yes. Our marriage has been full of challenges, struggles, joy, and happiness. Soon after John and I got married we found out we had lost a large sum of money. He just loved me and kept going. Soon after his graduation we moved in with my mother and two brothers and sister to help them out for a while. (turned out to be 8 years). John was always there, patient accepting and loving everyday. When we found out we couldn't have any more children, he was happy for the four we had and with faith helped me over come my disappointment. When our third child got sick John was the one who never let sorrow over come him. He often held me as I cried and his strong faith never waivered. The night our son died, John held me for hours as I cried uncontrollably. His faith still strong. He allowed me to lean on him. When he had to go to Kuwait for a year he was faithful and strong, an example to all those he served with of his love for his wife and family. When I struggled with personal things he was just always there when I needed him. John has always seen me as someone I could be. He has always loved me and shows it often.

I have been told that I probably am not quite good enough for him, but John doesn't see it that way. He thanks me for all that I do for him. He tells me of the example of acceptance, sacrifice, forgiveness, and love that I am to him. I often feel unworthy of such a man in my life. He truly is a great example of Christ like love. He loves me, he sees me as who I am, not what I do.

I thank him for all his faith in God and in me. I strive each day to become all that I know my dear husband believes I am.

Happy Anniversary my love. You are so perfect for me. Thank you, thank you for saying, "yes".

Stefanie -- 143

Nothing better than a basketball game to get away from it all!

2010-02-05T07:42:00.000-08:00

so...Here it is...Wednesday night and I was thinking all day it was Friday...By the time school was out...the last thing I wanted to do was go home. I needed stress relief. So...I went to the Meridian Boys basketball game and watched them struggle to win. It was a great game and it gave me something to get excited about....

Lizzy was thrilled to go with me...Here she is! She is cute isn't she?

Camera is ordered...but not here

2010-01-24T06:16:00.000-08:00

Week three...

Lessons I am learning.

There are different responses that I see in myself. Sometimes when I become aware of something that I could improve...I ignore it. I simply say to myself. This is me. I will not change...take it or leave it. And...I make no effort to improve and continue down the road I am on, staying in my rut.

Other times I become aware of something I could change and take it to heart. so much so that it hurts and I begin to feel so down on myself. My self esteem suffers and I begin a "beat myself up" session. This results in poor feelings and well. Little change.

And then other times...I hear what people say, I think about it, agree if I can see the truth in it, feel sorrow and desire to change and then use those emotions to begin the process of change.

We are here on Earth to learn to become more Christlike. It is obvious that in order to do that we need to learn (learning here is defined as a permanent change in thought and/or behavior). Each of us forms defense mechanisms to protect ourselves and yet more often than not we choose a path which leads us somewhere other than change. Either to pride..."I am good enough...so good that I do not need to change"...Or to the gutters..."I am terrible...I do not deserve the love of others....I will never be good enough"

Finding the ability to set goals...strive to reach those goals without getting discouraged is a great challenge. Accepting who we are and yet accepting that we need to change at times is all a part of that challenge. Understanding and knowing that God loves us just as we are and yet wants us to become all that he knows we can be. All the while fighting Satan who is trying to sneak in and tear us down or build us up so high that we will never change.

So....how did my goals go this week. I worked on them. Some days were better than others...but I am not discouraged. My desire is to become more like Christ and to better serve Him. I know that Christ will love me all the way through the process and will be always reaching out to help in anyway He can.

Week 2

2010-01-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

ok.. I wanted to take pictures this week, because I think pictures are definitely worth a thousand words...but my camera seems to be broken. No worries. John says he will get me a new camera for my birthday...That is pretty soon...so, I hope you will look forward to them.

On to my assessment.

This week on my goals.

1. Eating is improving. I am beginning to not even want a lot of sweets and stuff. This week, I made a healthy dinner every night for my family (I know way impressive!). Most evenings we were even able to sit and eat together. I found this a benefit worth the time. Resisting sweets is getting a little easier but I still can't convince my taste buds that they don't need to taste something sweet after each meal.

2. Money. I have made it so far without taking any of the money I put into my mission fund! I have another week, but I think we can wait to get a few things before then. Go me. The events in Haiti have really affected me alot. I watch news footage and my heart aches. I feel humbled and a bit selfish. Here I am worried about not eating too much, whether or not I look good going grey, and so on. And I watch people who have lost a number of members of their family, their homes and who are wishing they had food to feed their children...etc.

My desire to serve the people of the world became stronger and stronger. I want to get out of my comfort zone and help by bringing the Gospel to them. To bring them to the Savior to help them gain an eternal perspective and hope. HOPE. So many of the faces seemed to lack the hope of anything better.

3. Being me. Ok. My favorite one this week, because I have had the most success with it. I have enjoyed being me and enjoyed not really worrying about what others think. It is crazy, but so many times I have wanted more than anything that people would like me, not just like me, but like to be around me.

Anyway, so, I be me. I am fun, crazy, loving, giving, and well fearful, have fairly low self esteem and sarcastic at times. But, I am accepting me and although I am trying to choose the right, I am also trying to do what I think the Lord would have me do, instead of trying to follow all the shoulds and should nots of other people. This week...I heard these words, "You are so easy to love, and you are so easy to be with". ME. Guys, ME. That is cool!

Until next week!

My first week...My goal report

2010-01-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

How did my first week go? Not bad...not perfect.

I think it is funny the way at the New Year we plan to change almost completely in a one day. I have decided that change for me is more slow. So my first week wasn't anywhere near where I wanted it to be. I didn't achieve my goals and wasn't everything I wanted to be, but I did well and sometimes was closer than I was before.

The hardest part this week...Oreos. Crazy! I am not sure why they were so hard for me to resist although I think it was simply because they seemed to always be there. When Jennifer is home, Oreos is one of her favorite treats to have around. So everytime her Dad or I went to the store she got Oreos. (Yes, it is because we spoil her) .

So Oreos were in my house. And even when for a day or two there weren't it seems that they were everywhere at school and because my students know I have an Oreo weakness, they were always happy to share. One would leave them on my desk with a cute note. Yep, I would eat them. Except once. One time, I just didn't. YEA ME!

So you see even my one weakness, once, I was able to resist. So this week was success in the eating department. Actually, except for the Oreos I did extremely well. I ate fruit, veggies, and soups. I chose good foods. I came home and cooked good dinners and ate just what I needed to feel satisfied.

In the exercise department, I was about 30% successful. I know not very good but some is better than none.

In the being me department...going well, I think. You know what I have felt this week? Heavenly Father really likes who I am. So why don't I? My hair is slowing growing out and isn't bothering nearly as much as I thought it would. I even think I might be a pretty hot little grey haired lady. Yep, I said HOT...

Oh, my third goal...Money. . My first paycheck I put the required amount I had figured into a new savings account. It didn't leave me with much and I thought often that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to survive on what was left, especially since this week I spent most of what was left on things for Jen for school.

So, I leave it in the Lord's hand. If He wants me to do this, I know He will help me find a way. I can't right now see how my goal will possibly be achieved but that doesn't matter. My job is to have faith, do what I can, and leave the rest to Him.

So we will see.

Until next week.

What is different here?

2010-01-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

These are my girls' rooms. Each is different in color, each is unique according to each girls' personality. They are also the same in many ways. They are both a little (ok sometimes a lot) messy. They are both filled with memories and love.

The the biggest difference? Can you see it? One doesn't have someone in it. Jennifer is back to school. Her room seems empty without her.

Lucky for us, Elizabeth has a few years left at home with Mom and Dad.

Today things are so different. We really miss are children when they leave home. We are happy for them and glad they are growing up...but miss them terribly when they leave...

So today, I am a little sad... I miss my Jen.

A Third goal!

2010-01-04T05:40:00.000-08:00

Last night at the Stake Fireside another goal came to my mind. Save for a mission. As I watched the video prepared by the Church I felt an overwhelming desire to go out into the world and serve (mission). The reality of the possibility was realized was I began to think, "in five years Lizzy (my baby) will be graduated and going to college. We could go on a mission soon after...But money.

So I calculated out about how much we would need to survive and how much I would have to put away each month starting this month. And new goal came to be...have enough money saved to serve a mission in 6 years (one year to take care of Lizzy her first year...).

Wish me luck...

Welcome 2010

2010-01-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

Welcome 2010!

I think this year is going to be a great one...why you ask? well, It has been a long struggle for me in the past and this year...I actually feel like I am letting go of a few things and now I can set new goals. Have new interests and accomplish things I hadn't been able to accomplish all that well because I have been so consumed emotionally with other things.

This year I begin the year with little baggage. YEA ME!

So...goals.

1. I really need to lose 10 pounds. I know that even though my doctor tells me I am perfect according to his charts and I am by no means overweight...I have issues that affect my life and I want to take care of them. These issues include...bad knees, bad hips, and my overall feeling.

I don't feel that well. My knees hurt often and my hip goes out of place often. The other day I tool my girls to see a movie and after 2 1.2 hours of sitting I struggled to get up and walk. So, ten pounds and a lot of toning is my first goal. I started off with a cleanse and will go from there. I will keep you informed of how I am doing. I would like to be 10 pounds free and tone by my anniversary...February 14th!.

2. Be me! I have spent so much of my life trying so hard to please others...I worked hard to overcome a lot of baggage in my day and now that I feel free of it...I want to just be me. Honestly I think I am a pretty great person. I just fear getting hurt. No more. I want to be me! Wish me luck (oh this is going to include not coloring my hair anymore...that should be interesting but I take courage from Dawn Jones...she is my inspiration..thanks Dawn)

Well that's it. really for now... I mean there are the goals we always have of reading the scriptures everyday...but that isn't a new goal for me...it is an on going one. I will keep it.

Well, Happy New year to all of you. Read on. I have many weaknesses, especially in the losing weight category (cashew nuts, candied almonds, medium rare steak, homemade french fries, oreos, fresh strawberry shakes...Oh the list goes on *I love food) and I don't plan on giving up all of my weaknesses, just being more careful about the serving sizes and how often I consume them.

Stay tuned...

Tender Mercies

2009-12-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

I will admit it her and now. I am oversensitive. It hurts my feelings when people don't include me or when I feel left out. Call me a little kid... I am o.k. It is how I am. There are blessings though that come with this. I can look at a crowd of people and see who is feeling a bit left out and my heart goes out to them. I tend to be the one who is sitting with those people rather than the group of friends who already have each other and can't always seem to see beyond their little circle.

But it at times still hurts. Today I hurt. I think I hurt for a couple of reasons. 1. I think I still get sad because it is not looking like I will have the experience of sending a son on a mission. Dont' misunderstand me, I have a wonderful son. He is intelligent, wise for his years, and very tender hearted. He attends BYU and is doing well. I am very proud of him. At times though I am sad I will miss that experience.

Because of this I enjoy hearing about other sons who are on missions or who are getting ready to leave. But not everyone is willing to share, and sometimes I am just too afraid of asking, for fear of being rejected. In the last month I have found myself feeling rather sad twice. Sad that I wasn't included in the lives of someone I wished I was.

And then the tender mercy of the Lord. Each day a graduated student of mine showed up to visit and talk about his preparations for his mission, his girlfriend, family and all else.

All I can say is that the Lord does know us. And many many times he sends us tender mercies. Look for them...they are there.

Later....

Christ's love

2009-12-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

My thoughts are very personal....so to share them with whomever chooses to read this is very hard for me. Maybe it is just a mute point, because I am not sure anyone really reads it anyway. But here goes.

Christmas is here and I have been thinking a lot on ways that I can become more Christ like. I think often of my experiences and my life and try to understand them. I believe very strongly that we are supposed to become more Christ-like. Unfortunately for me this has sometimes resulted in me beating myself up. The question is what do we do? Improve and try hard to change (which I feel requires some self evaluation and some honesty and humility) and yet at the same time, not beat ourselves up over the imperfections we will most definitly see.

This leads me to my life. My experiences that have taught me how to act and behave. It seemed common to me to feel punished for my transgressions. Punishments come in many forms. IN Psychology I teach that there are two different types of punishment. Positive and Negative. Positive punishment is the application of a negative consequence because of behavior, Negative is the removal of a positive action in response to behavior. For example, yelling at someone, or spanking a child, or giving extra chores is a type of positive punishment. Negative punishment would be taking away a priviledge, love, or even attention.

The interesting thing is that most people view positive punishment as being the most negative when in reality it has been discovered that negative punishment truly is the most negative.

I have to admit that I have been on both sides of this, as I think most of us have. But, I wonder. If we are to become more like Christ...

Anyway, My thoughts are tender on this point. I feel that expressing too much would be very hypocritical of me, since I know that I have not only been hurt by the "punishment" of others I have also hurt many by "punishing" them.

What I do want to say is that anytime I have been on the receiving end I have hurt terribly, and any time I have been on the giving end of either positive or negative punishment for too long of a time...I have felt my spirit draw further away from my Savior.

May we find the ability and strength this Christmas season to become more as Christ. To love as He does. To Forgive as He does. Merry Christmas to all.

A stray cat with a home....

2009-11-30T02:25:00.000-08:00

When I was a child, I was the attractor of stray animals. This was great if it was a dog, but a cat never really worked out because I am very allergic to cats. Being the kind hearted person I am I never wanted to hurt the cat by scaring it away by doing anything mean. So my parents would tell me to ignore it, don't feed it, give it no attention and soon it will leave. They were always right...eventually the cats would leave to go find comfort somewhere else.

I ask you. Have you ever felt like a stray cat? I have. Strange. I have a home with a husband who loves and adores me and yet sometimes I find myself looking for acceptance, comfort and love other places. Sometimes though I feel like the stray unwanted cat.

Usually others are not out right mean. They just kind of ignore me. They don't look at me, they don't say, "hello", and they seem to talk to others around me but not directly to me. They may answer direct questions (because not doing so seems rude). But there is little else. So I eventually leave recognizing that I would rather be some where else, where I feel some kind of attention.

I have also seen this with others. Others who just want to be accepted and loved by others but who are seemingly ignored or looked over by others.

Yesterday I was reading about love. Being filled with love. And I began to think about the times I have felt like the stray unwanted cat. How well it works...and how good we feel because we didn't have to be mean. (or did we?)

Christmas season is a season of acceptance and love. During this season we try hard to show others compassion. If we are true Christians we try to keep Christ in Christmas. But what about the rest of the year?

Where is Christ then?

How often do we think that because we are not mean...we are ok. If we just ignore those we don't particularly want around, we are still good and Christ like people. Ithink of the times I have done the same. It breaks my heart to think I might have made anyone ever feel like a stray unwanted cat...but I know I have.

I am glad I have felt like a stray cat, because it has helped me recognize that feeling in others. It has given me the desire to not want any other person to ever feel that way.

I think (and this is my thought...my blog), Christ is so filled with love that when we feel of His love, we want nothing more than to be around Him. He doesn't ever ignore us, regardless of how cool, wonderful, or perfect we may or may not be. He wants us to feel His love and He wants us to want to be around Him.

I pray I can be more like Christ to all those around me.
Isn't our goal to be more like Him? I for one, hope to do better in my life and with others around me. All year long....

Gratitude...what does it mean?

2009-11-21T08:00:00.001-08:00

what does it mean to truly be grateful and why is it so important?

Well, here are my thoughts.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in front of my Psychology class. This is a class of seniors, most of whom I have taught for years before and who know me pretty well. One of them spoke up, "Mrs. Slade. We voted you the happiest person who has had a really hard life". Not quite understanding what she meant I asked. "well, she said. We all know some of what you have been through. Your childhood. You family. You son being sick and dying for so long. Your husband being gone so much. (at this time my husband was in Egypt). And yet despite all this. You are almost always happy. You are happier than others we know who seem to have it easier."

I had to laugh at that statement because just that next day or so. I found myself crying over a small puppy as it was dying in my hand. My husband was gone again, and I felt so alone. So tired of handling so much on my own. And my thoughts went something like, "Ha, if only my students could see me now"

I have never really considered myself grateful. NOt really. I mean I am glad I have some things. I like many things about my life and inspite of struggles I wouldn't change much. I think I might only change how I react to some of the struggles.

But gratitude? I don't know. Does one need to be grateful for everything to have gratitude?

I am grateful for things. I am. I can't say I am grateful my son isn't still here, but I am grateful for the spirit of the Holy Ghost who has comforted me and continues to comfort me on a regular basis. I can't say I am grateful for all of the experiences of my childhood or the consequences I seem to be paying for them, but I am grateful for the strength that my Heavenly Father gives me each day and for the growth I can see I have had because of them.

I guess I am grateful because I am glad for who I am and I am who I am because of the experiences I have had and continue to have, but I have to say...I am not yet righteous enough to be grateful for everything. and at times my emotions seem closer to jealousy than gratitude.

I have a dream. I have always wanted to go to a third world country and serve people there. I think I would like to "get out of this blessed place" for a while and do something small, simple, and serve those who need it more than my neighbors here, who seem to have everything.

I think often on the opportunity I hope to have with my husband to serve a mission. I am grateful we will be young and able to go places that we might not have been able to go to if we had been older.

So, gratitude. What does it mean? I guess it means keeping things in an eternal perspective and realizing that this life is short. Be grateful for the things you get to keep (your knowledge, your family, etc... and let go of the rest)

anyway, no pictures. Sorry. Maybe next time.

2009-11-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

On top of the world....then back to reality

2009-10-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, here we are...Day 3. It started off with a little bit of resistance. The girls were tired and not sure they wanted to do another hike. But, this hike was so awesome that by the end, they were climbing on top of the arches and wanting to see more. We truly felt at times like we were on top of the world, looking down.

Then we drove home. As I got home, unpacked, and started my normal life again, playing with the neighbor girls I cried. OH how sad I was.

I started to feel a bit sorry for myself. Reality was setting in. I no longer felt, "on top of the world". I felt just down. What a bummer it was and how much I wanted to return to our vacation.

Why? you ask...ok, so maybe you didn't but this is my blog!

Simple. The things I have to face began to overwhelm me. You see, in one week it is Kevin's 8th anniversary. The anniversary of the day I told him good bye, never to see him in this life again. The beginning of a hole in my heart that hurts so much sometimes, I can barely tolerate it. John is leaving in two days. Off to Egypt for an army trip. This began to again overwhelm me and my fears of him leaving me alone surfaced strong again. And then...well....relationships. I began to be more sensitive to every little disappointment and sorrow that seems to surround me in my neighborhood. So...I cried.

And then I realized that things were ok. I mean, of course they hurt sometimes but through the atonement of Christ, all things will be ok. Ok. So...I am climbing myself back to the top of the world. "Forget yourself....and get to work" ---those words of Pres. Hinckley's father are so wise.

Later

MESA VERDE

2009-10-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today was and incredible day! These ruins are incredible. And it was wonderful to be with my girls. Missed Trevor, but know he is working and studying hard. Enjoy!

2009-10-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

Fall Break

Moab 2009

The Slade Family

Summer 2009

2009-07-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

You would think that because it is summer and I have no school, I would blog all the more...but to be honest. Blogging is losing it's appeal to me. I mean seriously. For some it is a kind of brag session. "Look how wonderful I am" "look at what i did" etc...etc...etc...
for others it is a gripe session. I way of releiving tension. Expressing emotions..complaining...Looking for support. (probably what this one is). Oh well.

The thing is, this summer has been great. No, I didn't spend each day making crafts and taking pictures and showing them off. No, I didn't go anywhere spectacular, or accomplish anything that seemed all that great. I was just me. Stefanie. I got up early and watched my Husband leave at the same time as always. I was able to spend more time reading than before. I spent wonderful moments with my Daughters, one who is leaving soon for college. many times they were simple times, shopping, sitting outside on the swing, going to plays or movies or lunch. Nothing "worth" a picture. But that is o.k. because one afternoon my daughter said, "I am not sure I want to leave home" HOme...A place of refuge. A place of safety and acceptance.

I spent much of the summer answering knocks on the door to kids who wanted to come "play". I read books, gave "underdoggie" and even had them help me clean one day. They had a ball. I loved it all. Home, My home. A place where I hope all are welcome and all are safe. A place that might not always be the most creative, or fun, but a place where there is love.

So, HOnestly. I do not know how much I will blog in the future, (not really sure anyone reads it anyway). You all, go a head, blog your hearts out. I think it is great, just not so great for me.

If you want to see how it feels in my home...come visit. Our door is always open.

Failed permanently?

2009-06-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

School is finally out for me. I am glad and yet a bit worried at the same time. I do not always do well when I have time that I have to decide what I am going to do with. I like to have someone or a schedule tell me regularly what I need to do. When it is up to me, I have a tendency to start off great in the morning, but my midday, I am wasting time. What ever that means. I like my life to be run on bells (as in school) it is easier and quite frankly requires little self discipline. I so admire those mothers who stay home and just accomplish one thing after another.

Am I a failure?

I sent an email today to a friend. In response I got the demon telling me that the email was not successfully sent...that it had failed permanently. That got me thinking.

I do not believe in permanent failure. I believe in being weak and having moments of falling...but failure. Who are we failing. Christ? O.k. let's look at this. Christ gave us bodies. Bodies are weak. They need to eat, they have emotions, they get tired, they have desires and drives...oh the list can go on. But let's move forward. Christ gave us these bodies knowing we would not be prefect. He gave us these so that we could learn to depend on Him, everyday. Every single minute of every single day. So, when we fail...we feel like crap...and we can't get up...and so we reach...we reach for the hand of Christ and he lifts us up. He lifts us up and sends us on our way, there the next time we fall. So, falling is a moment when we get to be in a position where we need Christ more than before...and so Christ has what he wants...and we are better for it. Falling isn't failure to Christ...it brings us to Him. That is what He wants.

There is no permanent failure, because failure in and off itself is success...if and when we reach for the Hand of Christ.

Oh I have to say one thing. That bad thing I did...really wasn't bad. So weird. the other party totally over reacted and I believed him when he told me I had done something terrible...But then it really wasn't. He even knows that now...says he was just mad in the moment. I won't give more details because well it just doesn't matter. I did learn to stay calm and check things out before I believe and angry person.

Summer is here! Hope to see you all soon. need lunches and lots of them soon.

So confused...

2009-05-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

O.k. you out there...have you ever done anything bad? I mean, potentially really really bad. I mean something that could possibly hurt someone else's life...or affect it in a way that would be bad?

I have. Just yesterday. Funny thing, I didn't even realize it was bad until I received the response...oh boy was it bad. I was confused, scared, and felt terrible for a very long time...still do a bit.

Have you ever wished you could go back and just not open that mouth or have a different response...or maybe just think before you...well do anything. I am not so good at being calm and thinking through my responses...too often I just talk or act with little previous thought.

How long should one feel guilt, regret, pain and sorrow for something they accidentally did...didn't mean to do.

I am sitting here, before going to the dentist, wishing I had been better at flossing all those years and thinking, "will there be a price down the road I will have to pay for this too?" is there going to be more.

do I need to fear the future?

Oh well, I had no idea where I was going with this when I started...still not sure...but welcome any comments. Maybe one of you might know.

To be young again....

2009-05-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband took me to prom. I know crazy that people as old as us can still go to prom....Get past high school you might think. Really we were chaperone prom...John and I were helping Travis make sure prom ran smoothly. John and I were in charge of collecting money as the kids arrived.

Despite this, I took the opportunity to dress up. I mean all out. Jesslyn Parker a young 15 year old in our ward, came over and did my hair, and Jen (my Jen) did my makeup, and My Elizabeth took pictures....We also got them done at the dance...they said we could for free...but those we won't have until this week. Then I had the absolutely cutest date ever (my hubby) take me to the dance.

Granted we spent most of the night at the table at the entrance telling the kids how wonderful they looked and taking their money, but oh what fun we had. Of course when the song, "a lady in red played" I made my hubby take me to the dance floor.

I am old...I know that but I am glad once in a while I am giving the opportunity to feel young again. Even if it is all pretend and just like playing dress up when you were a kid.

Thanks guys for all the help. And thanks to my Meridian students who were so supportive and enjoy my silly little antics. It was a great night!

RULES!

2009-05-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

I am a teacher. I like rules. Or in other words...expectations. Things I expect my students to do in order to achieve in my class. Rules make it easy to know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. The problem I am running into....the rules of life.

Who gets to decide? I think we have too many. I mean each day it seems someone is telling me something I can, or can't do (or should or shouldn't). It is tiring.

The scriptures give us the beatitudes. The greatest commandment of all tells us to love God and the second...to love our neighbor as our self. That's it. It doesn't tell us how, when or the appropriate way to do that. It doesn't even really tell us who our neighbor is...although the parable of the good Samaritan implies...just about everyone.

But I am finding that everyone also has their own rules they live by which often they want others to live by it also. Rules...rules...rules...

There are too many conflicting rules...

O.k. I have just decided that it is obvious that I have issues with being who I want to be, since the last few posts have been too similar. I think I just need to figure this out and well, move on. Quick...before I bore the entire lot of you.

Thanks for reading. Love you guys.

sufficient?

2009-05-16T05:22:00.001-07:00

I was asked the other day if I felt like I was sufficient. An odd question one might think but given my history a logical one for me.

This question is one that I thought about. I do feel sufficient. I feel sufficient for my Heavenly Father. I feel sufficient for myself. The problem I see is that I have often in the past allowed the fact that there are many out there who I am not sufficient for to convince me somehow that because I am not sufficient for them, I am not sufficient.

So, the question really should be...are you sufficient for yourself. Interestingly, the person who asked me that question is someone I am pretty sure I will never be sufficient for all of the time.

I know there are times when even my family thinks I am not sufficient in the moment...but does that make me insufficient?

Can one person be sufficient to everyone all of the time?

I know I can't. I can't communicate the way some think I should. I can't think the way some think I should. I can't act the way some think I should. But does that equate sufficiency? Am I insufficient because I am not what some think I should be...sometimes?

I spent a great deal of my life trying too hard to be what I though others thought I should be. During a very difficult time of my life, a time when my self worth was tested...I was not acting the way many thought I should. In fact, much of my behavior was offensive to many. The interesting part, was that as I overcame the challenge, and began to change...I was no more sufficient than I already was. I was better, but I had always been sufficient. I just didn't know it.

Sufficiency is a state of being, one that comes from God and ourselves. It can't come from anywhere else. If we are waiting for others to tell us we are sufficient...we will never be sufficient. But to God...we have and always will be sufficient.

The last line in a quote by Mother Theresa says, "It was never between you and them, it has always been between you and God"

Change

2009-05-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

My daughter is graduating this year. This has been a great year. Moving across the street from Orem High has enabled her and I to get closer than ever before. She visits me often and I am able to spend more time with her. We are close and as the time approaches for her to leave to college I have been thinking, "boy, am I going to miss Jennifer".

I spent the last couple days working on a video for her cheerleading dinner tonight. It turned out well, if I do say so. The last song I love. I had never heard it before (it is country---I don't listen to much country) but the more I listened to it...the more I loved it.

So, today I posted a few pictures of our family through the years. There have been many changes. Some have been wonderful and some have been hard. Change is inevitable. It happens regardless of how hard to try to keep things the same...wrinkles, grey hair, kids growing up, births, deaths, moves, and so many more things change as the years go by.

Anyway, this is a simple reminder to all to enjoy the moment you are in NOW. If you are spending time thinking about how much better things will be when....Stop it! Enjoy today. I know I often need this reminder. Just this morning I realized that soon another thing would change and I don't know how things will be after school is out. I know I will miss many things...so, I plan on enjoying the moment and having sweet memories of the past.

Here are the lyrics to the song I enjoyed...I do not know the artist, because it was given to me on a burned CD. So if anyone out there knows...let me know.

"Your gonna miss this
Your gonna want this back
Your gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.
These are some good times so take a good look around you
You may not know this, but your gonna miss this."

Enjoy!

Thumbs up / thumbs down

2009-05-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

This is my new symbol for how I feel about mother's day. Good and bad. I hate to say bad, but there is a part of me that feels a bit bad about mother's day. Can one ever be perfect as a mother? We start off thinking we know exactly how we want to be. I remember many things I was going to do as a mother and many things I was never going to do. How did I do? It seemed that I made mistake after mistake, I learned from each mistake but seemed to just start to really figure things out and understand how to be a good mother as my children were almost grown. And now I need to learn how to be a mother to grown children...something that is different than before. Motherhood is always changing.

My husband taught the relief society lesson on Sunday, about Mothers. He said something that really touched me. He said, "my mother was the perfect mother for me".

It occurred to me that too often we mother's compare ourselves to other mothers. Those mothers have different children with different personalities and needs. We spend too much time trying to be like mothers of someone else's children instead of focusing on being a mother of our own children. A different kind of mother for each individual child.

I worried often as my children were small about keeping my children safe. It seemed I was nervous something might happen and I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to survive the death of a child. All the care I took to watch over my children did little when my son became sick and there was nothing I could do to prevent the death that would soon come. I spent some time looking and searching for the one thing I could do to help him be better, but never found it. For a while after his death I blamed myself. But then I learned...I need to change my focus a little. Keep them safe, but enjoy the moments more. You just never know when those moments will be over. I am glad I learned this a little before he passed and often took him on walks instead of cleaning the house or doing other things that didn't involve him.

My husband's mother is someone I admire greatly. I do not admire her because her home is always clean and well decorated (it isn't- in fact her home is old and falling apart). I do not admire her because her children have all turned out perfect and wonderful members of the church (they haven't - in fact maybe half of her 10 children are active in the church today). I admire my mother in law because of her capacity to love unconditionally. She is the most forgiving and understanding woman I know. She never remembers the hard things that her children did, she remembers how wonderful they are. When we have family gatherings, there is no judgment, no uncomfortable feelings, no memories of hurt or pain that might have been caused. She never shares memories of anything that wasn't positive. She is genuine in her love for each of them. I believe she was sent the wonderful spirits she was because she was one who would be able to teach them about Christ like love by example...A love that is unconditional and forever.

So, ladies out there. Look at your children. Pray to be the mother they need and not the mother your neighbor's children need. Pray to make the choices for them each day and not the choices your friends might make. Also remember to not judge those who are making choices different than the ones you are making. Their children may need something completely different. Pray to be able to be a different kind of mother to each of your children. They are not the same and therefore may need different things.

Be the perfect mother for your children, one who is willing to make mistakes, for what better way to teach your children about repentance and forgiveness than if they see you repenting and forgiving. Your children will love you, because you are what they need.

Happy Mother's day to all.

LAS VEGAS and the ARMY -- what a mix

2009-05-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

John had the opportunity to go to vegas for a yellow ribbon family weekend instead of going to the field to shoot rifles.

The army's Kernal wasn't so sure he appreciated the idea of meeting somewhere so close to the strip of Vegas, but here is where we spent the weekend. It was nice and quiet and we enjoyed each other immensely. I would spend time with my husband doing just about anything...even sitting in a few boring classes doodling. YEA...FUN

Easter Slade Family fun!

2009-04-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

What a great Saturday we had celebrating Easter with the Slade family. grandma Slade is always so wonderful to invite us to her home. We had great fun eating pizza and salads. We then enjoyed the traditional Easter egg hunt and of course coloring eggs!. We love the Slade Family and enjoy any time we get to spend with them..

O.k. randomness. Take a look at the last picture...This is what I found while looking for eggs. It is a dead bird. I know a little morbid to take a picture but the biologists in me was very curious. I couldn't find it's head. I think maybe the dog got to it? Who knows.

My Husband

2009-04-04T06:42:00.001-07:00

I am writing to wish my husband a Happy Birthday. His birthday was actually on April 2 so this is late, but I figure since he doesn't actually read my blog he won't care. And of course my time with him that day was trying to show him and wish him a happy Birthday.

But here he is, my wonderful amazing husband.

He is incredible. He is handsome, even more so as he gets older and gets those grey flakes through his hair. He has such broad shoulders and is the most kind patient man I know. (heck, he lives with me and he loves it!)

My favorite things about him is how he sees the world especially me.

Just the other day he said to me, "honey, do you know why I have such a hard time helping you improve? I mean, sometimes you ask me to help you asses things that you could do better and well, I can't seem to. Do you know why? It is because I just don't see anything. You are so close to perfect that is seems hypocritical for me to point out anything amiss."

I mean really! Can you get a better husband than that. He is so genuine and real. I am so luck to be married to him and to have him in my life each and every day. I love him sometimes, my chest feels like it is going to burst.

So....Happy birthday my love. I am glad we had a wonderful day together. Thank you so much for understanding my desire to go help Brian and Kristin with their baby. You are incredible!

Love you with all my heart...Stefanie

2009-04-02T05:56:00.000-07:00

"On those days when we're not ready to stop being offended, not ready to forgive, still determined to dish out the silent treatment, what we're actually saying is, 'Thanks, but I don't want to become more like the Savior today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.' " --Sheri Dew

my family...well, my extended family, some of them, including me, have struggled to overcome this whole offense thing. we sometimes hold onto them for longer than we should (at all!) and well sometimes apply this silent treatment.

I just wanted to share this quote I read today. I hope it doesn't offend you but instead reminds us all to be more Christ-like, forgiving and loving of those around us. Especially those who have offended us.

A crowd...I am not alone!

2009-03-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today, I am blogging to just say thanks...

First,

Thanks Ipo!

Thank you my dear for your honesty. Thanks for reading my blog and letting me read yours. Thanks for sharing and opening the door that often pride keeps us from opening. Thanks for being my friend in exposure. I love you for that. It takes a strong person to face their weakness. Thank you for your example!

Second,

Thanks friends!

Thanks to all those who can see me instead of what I have done, said, or acted like. Your belief in me has helped me believe in myself! I am still good...Good enough (remember pounder!)

Thanks so much!

Third,

Thanks to me!

Thanks to my brain. Thanks for the tendency I have of being a little too logical and too emotional and too sensitive and just for thinking too much at times. Yes...those traits do contradict each other and often result in temporary insanity.... but still...Thanks...

Yesterday, I finally admitted (actually again) that something is wrong. Was it chemical? Do I need drugs? Or is it like an addiction? What is it? You see I was being bothered by such little things yesterday. Nothing new (in fact my husband often asks me the question..."Why are you surprised at this?"), but for some reason...my mind has been consumed with worry, fear, and stuff. Why?

After two eight grade girls came into my room, right after I had finally begun my lecture and in response I simply glared at them...hard enough that they turned and left without asking me what ever it was they came for. I realized and admitted..."I have a problem!"

What was the cause...what was the trigger? did I need a change in my life? maybe move...or change jobs...or just become a hermit until I am sane once again?

I made a disgruntle list. A list of things that I felt were causing me grief. Things that I was either afraid of, worried about, or just plain sick of. I then looked at each one. Is this something I can do something about? Is this something I am willing to accept? Or...is this something I must change?

Surprisingly, some of the things I was afraid of all of the sudden were put in perspective. They were small, insignificant, and well already a reality in some cases. So...why worry. Some I had little control over...some I am o.k. with..I think I just forgot I was o.k. with it.

This was, I have to say...one of the best things I have done in a long time..

It helped me realize that I think I was addicted to having problems. I mean...I spent 1 1/2 years watching my son slowly die...wondering from day to day if it was his last...wondering how I was going to survive....Then....financial trouble because of the whole thing...then an absent husband for 15 months...gone to war (would he come back? how lonely I am....)...Then time trying to figure out the process of forgiving...building lost relationships...learning to make mistakes...changing....

but this list, well it made me realize...I don't really have much to worry about. I mean not in comparison. My life is good. So what if not everyone likes me (most do...) so What if not everyone can or is willing to forgive me (I can't control that)...So what if I can't buy everything I want...(few can). so what if it snowed today and I hate it! I will live today, go to bed and wake up...Spring will come!

I think I just got used to feeling "bad". So strange.

Keeping it real.

2009-03-23T13:01:00.001-07:00

This is not a post of how wonderful I am, or my family, or my kids....although I do believe that...This my real post of the day...Because today, I am feeling, well, not good enough. And that feeling tells me that I am not thinking correctly. But this kind of thinking is a part of my weakness...the Natural Man thing.

I sometimes think (which isn't a correct thought) in this life that sorrow and pain are a sign of weakness...or at least a sign of a complete lack of faith. Because you see those people who have the faith they need would always have an eternal perspective and not worry excessively about the choices their children make, or not allow their hearts to break when a child chooses a wrong path, or when you miss holding your cute little boy in your arms because he was called back to heaven quite a bit earlier than normal, or the guilt over feeling jealous at watching a mother scratch her child's back during church...A child around the age yours should be. The guilt of feeling that at those moments your faith is lacking...for you see, those who have great faith, they just don't worry. They put their trust in God and suggest...so should you. It seems my list of should do's is quite long.

I think that faith is being able to allow yourself to hurt, feel sorrow, worry, and make mistakes. It is a faith that God loves us even though we haven't yet figured out how to handle this "free agency thing" or how to "put off the natural man all of the time". It is a faith to trust that somehow the hurt and sorrow will pass, but faith to allow it to be a part of us. Faith to screw up in front of people who may or may not understand us. Faith to be real. Faith to fall and get back up again, regardless of how we are seen. Faith to cry or admit...hey this is so hard. I can't do it by myself. "please Lord, Please help me today...I am struggling with this weakness again". Please help me accept thy will, the plan of salvation, the choices my children make and please help me accept myself...Please.

I struggle with feeling good enough. I fear man more than God, because I allow other's opinions of me to affect how I act, instead of acting the way I think God wants me too. I worry too much when others decide they don't like to be around me. But this experience...if nothing else, had helped me realize that I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I do...not good enough, a big list of "you should...". I think sometimes I should stand in front of a mirror and tell myself the many things I tell others.

"You are incredible!"
"I love you"
"you are so smart...don't let this mistake convince you otherwise"
"you just struggle in this area, but look how good you are in ___ this area"
"You are working so hard, don't let this one setback discourage you...what you are learning is how to work and that is more important than this fall"
"Success may not be immediate, but it will come to those who keep trying"
"You are beautiful, Beauty is not the makeup you wear or the way your hair is styled...it is who you are on the inside...You are Beautiful"
"You are good enough for me...I admire those who struggle, and keep going. I admire you!"

Ta ta for now...If you need these words...consider them for you...If you want to hear them in person...Give me a call. I will tell you how wonderful you are. It is one of my favorite things to do.

The Joys of Family

2009-03-09T04:31:00.000-07:00

Surprising how long it took for me to add another post. I think I wanted the celebration of Kevin to continue for a while. Sometimes the ache is still so strong. I miss his terribly. But today I am ready to move forward again. I know that Kevin would want me to.

I have been thinking a great deal lately on the blessings I have in my family. The Lord has truly blessed me with a wonderful family. First there's my incredible husband, John. I never believed that anyone could love me as much as he does and how he does. He is never critical and always happy to be with me. He is respectful of me and thinks I am incredible. I really love having someone think I am wonderful and who isn't afraid to tell me often. Even though I do not always believe it. He just patiently tells me over and over again, knowing one day I will believe it all.

Then my children. Oh what blessings they are to me. Trevor is so determined. He is a good kid, who sometimes seems a little lost but then who suddenly shows you He is just looking for the path he knows is right. He has always respected his family and is misses so much when he is gone. Jennifer is my little spit fire. She is such and incredible one. She knows who she is a doesn't allow others to influence or hurt her in any way. And then there is my Elizabeth... Elizabeth has the sweetest, most kind heart I know. I love to just lay with her at night and talk about her day and the many things she thinks about. What an incredible example she is to me.

There is a song I love, it sings of home being a place where you are accepted and loved for who you are, always made to feel wonderful and loved. My home is that kind of place, thanks to my family.

I am so grateful for my family. We are strong because we are together, forever.

Happy Birthday Kevin!

2009-02-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

Thoughts and Fun

2009-02-18T11:00:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at lunch and thought...I should blog. So, here goes.

I thought I would show you what my Husband convinced me to do on Monday (president's day). He is a scuba instructor and wanted to go teach a class and be with his wife at the same time. so I went. Funny huh? I don't think anyone can look good underwater, but I think I come close. Or not. What ever!

I would like to introduce you to my little friend...Pounder. He is a small stuffed elephant ( like elephants for some reason) that sits on my desk and helps me remember that I am good enough just as I am. I sometimes struggle with the notion of being good enough...always "beating up on myself". But, when I look at Pounder...he reminds me with his little poem.

"Some people say that I should diet
I tell them all to just keep quiet
I think my weight is fine
So why don't we go out and dine?"

I know; really corny, but for some reason he reminds me to accept myself.

Can you beat this? Valentines day story!

2009-02-14T07:16:00.000-08:00

Twenty three years ago on a cold valentine's Day Stefanie Baldwin had just found out that her date was stuck in Idaho. Not being in a very good mood her roommates drag her to some pretty lame dances. At the second one, a very handsome young man comes up to talk to her and her roommate. But you see, that's all he did was talk. Song after song goes by, Stefanie is getting a little impatient (a trait not uncommon). Finally, she interrupts the conversation between her roommate and this oh so cute young man to say, "are you going to ask one of us to dance? if not, can we find someone who will?". Rude, huh? and yet, this handsome young man turns to her and simply says, "let's go". Crazy. The night continues and let's just say it ends with an angry room mate who abandons Stefanie to find her own ride (upset that she didn't get asked to dance). Fortunately this handosme young man offers to take Stefanie home, asks her for her number, and leaves with a killer smile. Crazy evening. Later he returns to drop at her door step a box of candy lips. Funny night.

The dating begins but nothing too serious. Stefanie was young and John (the handsome young man) really enjoyed his female social standing. No settling down for him.

The semester ends and both do not expect much. Stefanie is returning to Cincinnati for the summer to work, and John had plans to attend boot camp. They said their farewells and promised to always be friends. Stefanie was later surprised to find out that the two camps John was attending boot camp at were within 3 hours of her home in Ohio. Fate? Time goes by and letters are written. Soon it is decided to make a drive to visit, this visit turned into two, and then s few road trips together. One to the hill cumorah pageant. By the end of the summer John and Stefanie had decided they were definitely more than friends.

When they returned to school all was well. Stefanie and John continued to spend time together. But John still wasn't ready for a commitment. His favorite line, "I can't ever pick a wife, I can't even pick a color of pants" Stefanie found herself a bit frustrated. So, one night, she grew tired and informed JOhn that she needed to be able to focus more on school and that either he needed to decide to marry her or let her go. He asked if he could have a week to think about it.

This picture is the Saturday at the end of the week. John came by to pick up Stefanie for dance and asked her to marry him. He told her he decided he never wanted to lose his "best friend". Stefanie's roommate took the picture. What a grand evening.

So...twenty two years ago. John took Stefanie to the Provo Temple on a beautiful Saturday morning, in the middle of a semester, and said "yes" to time and all eternity.

Can you beat that? But wait...one last things. When John was trying to find a ring it was a struggle. Stefanie is and always has been very particular. All the rings they looked at just weren't what she wanted. She had decided to just get a band and no ring when John's grandmother gave John her wedding ring to give to her. It was more than Stefanie could imagine, better than perfect (if that is possible). And...it has a heart that surrounds the diamond. Yes, ladies...this was meant to be. Now...can you beat that?

Feel free to share your romantic Valentine's day stories, but I guarantee, my will always be my favorite.

The Science Fair !

2009-02-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

Three years ago I held the position of Science Department head. It wasn't such a bad job for the most part. But, there was one part I almost completely hated...THE SCIENCE FAIR. It is a lot of work. Organizing the students, getting prizes, judges, scoring, printing out certificates, awards assembly, angry disappointed parents. ETC etc etc. So I quit. I quit being the science department head for the sole reason of "I don't want to be in charge of the science fair!".

It is hard enough being a mother of a child who needs to complete one, to be in charge of students from the grade 1- 12 is TERRIBLE!. I got out of it for a total of three years. Each year they would hire a new science dept. head I would be off the hook!. What a great three years! YEA!!!.

But not this year. This year they decided to make Mr. Watabe the math and science department head. He is a great math teacher and I like him being my Boss (he really knows who is in charge...He He j/k) But he did nothing to start the science fair adn so I did and this week it is upon us and I remembered..."I HATE THIS".

Thankfully I have a couple of parents who are helping with the entire process and so maybe they can handle all the explanations required when a parents asks me, "why didn't susie win?..WHY?"

so.. this is my one an only post until this whole crazy event is over and I am sane once again. But check early next week...Saturday is my hubby and my anniversary and I have a great story to tell. Enjoy the pics....

over coming step by step with love

2009-02-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of me when I was just a little tike, riding my trike. (funny huh?) At this point in my life my family lived in San Jose, California. I don't have a lot of memories of this city except a couple of pictures of our second home, (I was too young to have a chance remembering our first) and then I have some memories of special events. I haven't been back since I was about 12.

I am going to admit right here that at times I am a complete whiner. Last night I began to whine...to myself..at home...by myself. But then I remembered...and then I realized, that is the key. What you remember. I spent a lot of my years remembering some very painful memories.

But that is over. And who I am today is, I think, a huge improvement on who I was. and I learned...it is what you choose to remember.

I teach Psychology. Funny that someone so inept at psychological matters actually stands in front (well sits, kind of...) of a class and teaches them introductory psychology. anyway, there is a point that I taught the other day that basically says that memories that cause anxiety or stress or intense emotions are more easily remembered and more easily recalled. Those memories can often interfere with other more pleasant simple memories. In others words, sometimes, when someone has been through a tragic event that is all they can see. Well, I fell into this.

But today...well, I realized that now I need to remember different things. I need to remember those simple, happy, peaceful moments which were there, but that I forgot. I need to find that gratitude for the blessings I received but struggled to recognize for so many years. This is an interesting process and one that I have discovered..requires the atonement of Christ.

My only regret...is that I couldn't see that I truly was "born of goodly parents" because my vision had been clouded for so long.

Fan club

2009-01-30T06:30:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been a member of a fan club? I mean someone who seemingly worships the ground someone or a group of someones walk one or even something walks on? I have to say. I never have been until today. I think.

I grew up with posters of horses and puppies on my wall. I loved animals and the outdoors. I felt I was too intelligent to be in a club that worshiped someone or something so unrealistically. Many of my friends were always "in love" with someone famous or addicted to something (video games, telelvision shows, etc...), thinking of them, finding out about them, and wanting more than anything to meet them. I thought that was so strange.

The problem I see with fan clubs, or being a die hard fan of someone or something is your judgment seems to be clouded. You see that person or state of mind as perfect. Little fault can be seen. You emotions become out of control. You lose control of reasonable thinking at times. You do not see clearly.

Well, I fear I have become a member of a type of fan club and I am not enjoying it one bit. I am finding that my mind is preoccupied most of the time. I can see that my judgment has been impaired. My productivity has decreases a small amount. I am borderline obsessed. What is most frustrating is that I recognize my "fan clubness". I recognize how illogical it all is. I am not the only member. I see others who are members. Who are a little obsessed and find joy in a little piece of satisfaction. I HATE it. I hate that I have become this member of this fan club. I want to be set free.

so, all you kids out there who learned how to cope with your obsessions years ago. Help out this old lady who is experiencing it for the first time. How do I get past this? Cold Turkey? What?

Sick and tired...hard not to fall

2009-01-25T07:33:00.000-08:00

This week has been tough. I started coughing on Monday night, after a wonderful celebration of my birthday by my family (well -Trevor). Tuesday morning I woke up from a not so great night sleep to drive my husband to the airport at 5a.m. I don't mind this..in fact much of my married life has been me driving my husband to the airport. He is gone a lot. On the way home I found myself driving 25 on the freeway because of very dense fog and coughing uncontrollably. I tried school that day...but only made 1/2 hour before finally deciding to ask for subs and just go home. (I did prep all my classes so the sub had it easy). I slept most of the day, until my daughter got home from school to tell me that the Crandall's had brought treats...Lexi had brought cake and candles while Ari had brought doughnuts. I felt guilty.

This guilt increased a little when I found out that my birthday is the same day as the day the Father of these wonderful girls died. Here they were thinking of me instead of them selves, when quite frankly they had every reason to have their own little pity party. I was grateful for the change in perspective.

The week continued. I just wasn't getting better and everything around me seemed to be falling apart. Teaching was a struggle...my voice was froggy and I often found myself coughing uncontrollably. Each day after teaching it was all I could do to drive home and climb into bed. I didn't grade papers all week and I didn't clean my house at all. Day by day went by and things were really starting to pile up. Each evening as I found myself wrapped in a blanket I found it could be easy for me to begin to feel great pity, which could then lead to great self loafing. This was a time when not only was I not keeping up and doing it all, but I wasn't even doing the bare minimum. It was really hard the evening I watched my two daughters eat cold cereal for dinner.

I seemed further and further from what I wanted to be...

I would usually struggle with this. You see, I came from a family of "no excuses". I am very good at taking full responsibility for all that I do...and sometimes responsibility for what others do. Only pointing the finger at myself...always. This doesn't do well with one's self esteem and it seemed I often struggled with that.

This week was a great experience. I learned to accept my situation. To accept the frustration the illness, the lonliness, and the lack of ability I seemed to temporarily have.

The gospel teaches us to be tolerant of others...sometimes we need to remember that we need to be tolerant of ourselves.

God loves us...just as we are, sick, healthy, productive, or not. Of this I know, of this I am grateful to know.

Now...don't get me wrong. As I get better I will continue to do all I can to be the best I can. but for today...I am o.k. sleeping a little more and letting someone else teach nursery today.

Good day to all.

Dances and Birthday wishes

2009-01-20T19:17:00.000-08:00

Here I am on my birthday. Candles that can really light up the area, because there are so many. Wow...I am getting old!

And here is Jen...so darn cute taking off to pick up her date for preference and enjoy herself. Go Jen!

Done!

2009-01-19T08:33:00.000-08:00

My husband decided a while ago to become a scuba instructor...not really sure why, maybe the extra money? Or maybe because his friend Jay talked him into it so he could help him, or maybe because as he says, "wouldn't it be great when I retire to find an Island somewhere, open a scuba shop, you can teach, and we can just be beach bums all day? Makes me wonder. mmmm..not a bad idea?

But this whole thing has taken a lot of time. John is often gone for business or the army and to add scuba stuff on top of that, well it almost drove me crazy. Fortunately, I survived? And today I am pleased to announce he passed and is completely certified to teach and the classed are over and the studying is done with and now...well we will see.

Unfortunately for me...he reminded me that while he would be home all day today, he was leaving tomorrow for a trip for his real job. To South Carolina, on my birthday, for three days. Oh well. I have him today and I will appreciate that. Friday when he comes home I will hopefully have a full weekend with him and maybe even sit with him during sacrament meeting.

Here are pictures of us when I was certifying for scuba diving. YEA me.

Basketball season

2009-01-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

seventh grade style!

Go Elizabeth!

Elizabeth is my little girl. She loves to look cute, brush her hair, play with little kids, and cook. She looks forward to one day being a wife and a mother to a load of little kids. (I am very excited...because I am going to be one great Grandma!). And yet she doesn't really enjoy things like dancing, and other things I as her mother would define as "girly". She likes sports...tennis and basketball. Here she is on her seventh grade Jr. Jazz basketball team.

Go Elizabeth!
Go Team! Rachel, Emma, Sariah, Cygni, Anna, Amber, Jenna, and Ari.

the most perfect husband...for me

2009-01-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

My wonderful Husband comes from a large family. His parents have had many struggles and many difficulties with children, finances, and many other things. Despite all of these struggles John's parents have always shown nothing but unconditional love to their children and to everyone around them. They are the most nonjudgmental people I know. Their door is always open to anyone who comes around and they are always filling plates of food to share with anyone who may be in need.

They also are very accepting of themselves and their own imperfections. They seldom allow other peoples opinions to change their course in life, whether good or bad, and choose to do what they feel is right.

John has many of these traits, of this I am grateful. I saw qualities in him I wanted in a husband. He has taught me much. He has always loved me and who I am, he has always had faith in me and what I can do. He has always supported me in my crazy ideas even those that cost a lot of money. He sees in me who I can become and who I am. I am not the greatest at singing his praises to those around me. I often listen to others talk of the wonders of their husbands but instead of chiming in and "bragging" about how wonderful mine is, I keep it to myself.

John and I have always had a wonderful marriage. We are always happy to see each other at the end of the day. Most nights are spent close to each other as we sleep, we just never seem to want to be very far from each other. He has always been there, even when he couldn't be home. I guess today I just want to say Thanks to him and share with the few people who might read this...how incredible my husband is.

trip to zion's in the winter

2009-01-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

While our family was down in St. George John and I decided to visit Zion's' Canyon just to see it in the winter. We took Lizzy and although we couldn't hike because of the snow...we had a great afternoon. Here are some pics to enjoy!

Family Christmas

2008-12-29T07:53:00.000-08:00

Our traditions are a little different than most. The year that our son died two months before Christmas we were feeling a bit like there was a hole in our family and in our hearts. We weren't sure how to have Christmas and somehow include our little Kevin. We knew from this year on things would always be a little different.

When Kevin died we found we had joined a club that most don't want to be a member of..but when you do become a member you are glad for those who are also there, those who can understand the sorrow and pain. The club was one of those who lost loved ones in the Orem City cemetery. We were surprised at how many there were who lost children as we did.

We discovered that each Christmas eve the families go to the cemetery and place candles on the graves. It is amazing how beautiful it is, so we decided to begin this new tradition. That first year a family who had lost a 6 year girl built a very large snow mound and placed candles all around it. "What a great idea!" we thought. Kevin loved the snow and love to build snowmen. So the tradition began. this year was no different and with the large amount of snow we had we knew it could be great. So we packed up the kids and headed to the cemetery. Now if you drive by and see a kind of fort looking mound that is Kevin's.

Here are pictures...the last one is of our family at the Slade family Christmas party on Christmas eve. Great to have us all together. Enjoy!

2008-12-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

These are pictures from two of my most memorable/ favorite Christmas's . I love Christmas. I don't particularly enjoy all the hustle and bustle, instead I prefer the simple side of Christmas. I like to keep decorations to a minimum and keep the spirit of Christmas and giving as a live as I can. I only like to have one tree because for some reason in my mind the tree represents Christ and I only need one of him in my life. I enjoy not having too much stuff to put up because I don't want to spend hours decorating...for me it seems to take away from the spirit of the holidays. I enjoy cooking, but more so when my family is around me helping me. I love when they are sitting rolling things out, or just talking with me and listening to music. I prefer simple meals and love to have snack items just laying around all day.

Anyway, one picture if of one of the last Christmas's I had with all four of my children at home. After this my son passed away and it always feels like someone is missing. For a few years after his death we would give him gifts...Gifts that would help us to be better people so that one day we could return and live with him again.

The other Christmas is last year.. The first time in a lot of years I was able to spend with my Father. It was a long road to get there but I did...and this picture reminds me of one of the miracles of Christ's birth.

Merry Christmas to anyone who may be reading this. I wish you and your family the best...what ever that might be for you.

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-12-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

O.k. a very brief synopsis of what we did...ready....

Drive, see Las Vegas, Drive some more, See Dad, Barbara...meet some family of Barabara's...walk in the hills...walk along the beach...eat, eat and eat some more....drive....shop at outlet mall...try to sleep in worse hotel ever...drive some more...HOME! Clean, clean, Spend Sunday with Trevor. Loved it all! Even the driving was bearable...kids were great, even fun at times. Listened to 2 sessions of conference during part of it.

Oh, my favorite thing I saw.. Our old Cadillac. My parents bought it in 1966 and it was our family car for years...then it wasn't and we kept it in great shape. I have memories driving this thing to prom (well my date drove it) two years and even driving around town. enjoy!

also...movie is of the ocean...I really justed was enjoying the sound and my kids playing. Hope you do too.

GREAT DAY!

2008-11-07T16:38:00.000-08:00

Yea! Today I got my oven fixed...finally. It took a long time and I am tired of cooking on the stove only and/or borrowing our neighbors oven..(although they were great to let us...thanks guys) AND.. I got my car back and it looks wonderful.

In case you didn't hear, I had a slight accident in my car. It was one of those moments where it seems so much is on your mind that you forget to...I don't know, take your car out of gear and not put the parking brake on and then go into the house only to come out and find your car across the street in the neighbor's bush.

But today...all fixed, as if nothing had ever happened. So here they are....

Fall colrs

2008-11-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

I know I just did a post but this morning is an incredible morning. It is raining...it smells so wonderful. I decided to welcome this scent into my home and opened my front door. There in front of me were my two trees in the front yard. I planted these years ago. I didn't plan the coloring contrast that would occur each fall but love it and appreciate the beauty and wonder of this Earth.

I teach photosynthesis and plant pigments in Biology. It is a complex system of how a plant changes colors. The coolest part is how each plant has it's own unique combination of pigments which result in such a variety of sights.

The Lord truly wants each to have it's own characteristic. Imagine what we would be missing if we didn't have the variety we have. Imagine too, how dull our lives would be if we were all the same. It is our variety and differences that make this world so beautiful.

I hope we can all embrace the differences in each of us and love the colors, just as I am sitting enjoying the colors right outside my front yard.

Fall Fun

2008-11-02T06:20:00.000-08:00

I didn't grow up in Utah. I grew up mostly in Chicago and Cincinnati. One thing that they have that I miss is big trees. Each fall I used to dread raking the leaves, but that chore was always made more fun with the concept of "jumping into the piles of leaves"

Here I am with my cute adorable Elizabeth using what leaves we have to make our own fall fun. Thanks goes out especially to the neighbor kids who made it even more fun. Love them so much.

On the way home

2008-10-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

On the way home Elizabeth and I took a small detour and visited shoshone falls. We did this simply because we could. We had driven by the sign many times and decided to satisfy our curiosity.

On the way back we "ran" into the temple in Twin falls. We stopped. What a beautiful temple it is. I love the temple. It is s symbol to me of God's love for me. I remember the times I went to make promises and the times I went to gain the understanding and strength I need in my life. It is here that I have hope in all things.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to see another blessing given to all those who live near in Twin falls.

Fall Break Trip to Idaho -- with Elizabeth

2008-10-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact the neither Jen or John could go with us...Liz and I decided it was worth while to visit Emy, Mom and family in idaho. We are so glad we went. They are a great family and I love the kids.

We were able to take long walks together and play. Here are a few pictures for your viewing enjoyment.

My favorite thing about the new building

2008-09-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

So..today as I was sitting at lunch I was visited by my daughter Jen. As she sat in front of my desk we talked about her day. She showed me on the computer what class ring she liked (if she could get one). I realized...this is what I love teh most about Meridian's new building. I love my classroom, I love my students. I love the classes I teach. I love the people I work with. But....all in all my favorite is getting to see my daughters. One as she comes to my class each day and one almost everyday as she comes to raid my little fridge of food. So...here is Jen (not in her cheerleding outfit!) drinking orange juice as she talks about her day.

What a great opportunity...

Me--where I love to be

2008-09-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

If you don't know me very well you might not know that I love to be outside, I love kids, and I love trees and water. Last Friday I was able to shut the door of my classroom and go with my students to the mountains and hike and play.

Here is where I love to be -- next to a stream of running water amid a lot of trees. It amazes me how beautiful this world is sometimes. God is a wonderful creator of all things and I am grateful to be able to enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds each day.

9/11 a dedication...

2008-09-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

It is September 10 and for some reason I am thinking heavily of tomorrow. September 11. I remember very well the original 9/11. I remember it with a little bit of guilt. I remember hearing the news on the way to school, getting there and listening to so many discuss the sadness with tears in their eyes. I didn't cry. I just couldn't. I couldn't seem to find the ability to feel bad at all. I mean it was sad, but you see I was already so sad. I was at work...my son was dying. I felt that if I allowed myself to feel any more pain I would not be able to survive.

I didn't understand at that point how this event would later effect my life and my family. At that time in my life each moment was filled with fear that it would be the last with my son or with sadness watching my son deteriorate before my eyes. I remember consciously choosing to not feel sad about the events of 9/11.

Later though this event would take my husband away from my family for 15 months. This event started a war and my husband was called to serve his country. I was unable to call my husband, I could email him but needed to keep them short and positive. He could call but our calls were limited to 10 minutes or so. 9/11 had effected my family more than I ever expected.

I feel bad that I didn't feel the sorrow so many felt that day. I felt bad that I didn't think it was something that would ever really matter to me. It was at the time just something far away and of no concern for my family. I wish I had understood better the cost of what happened that day. The many who lost their loved ones that day. The sacrifices made. We all sacrifice but you see today...my husband is home.

Famous daughter?

2008-09-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

So..I know. I am tired of posting Jen as a cheerleader. Proud of her still but how much of the same thing can you take? O.k...it is Jen and I can take a lot of her...I just hope soon I get pictures of her in something other than her cheerleading outfit (as cute as it is) .

anyway...this picture was taken and shown in the Deseret News. Cool huh?

the cutest family in the world

2008-09-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

o.k. so sometimes things happen that are just so cute and you didn't even plan it.

Tonight John and I went to the Orem vs. Timpanogos Game to watch Jen cheer... Here she is...adorable as usual.

When we came into the house Elizabeth was asleep on the couch with a movie on. Well... a picture is worth a thousand words..so cute, huh?

Baby girl in Middle School!

2008-09-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

Whoa! Hold on a minute. My Baby is in Middle school? Do you know what that means? I am old. O.k. Yes...it is always about me.

Well here she is...ready for school. I love having her in my class this year. I have been able to teach three of my four children. It is a wonderful experience to see your kids e very day and to be a part of their education. I wish all mothers could have such an incredible experience. Thank you Meridian for giving me this opportunity.

so..here she is...my adorable little girl. And boy is she cute. Love her to pieces.

New baby

2008-09-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

So this is quite a late announcement but we would like to welcome to our family the newest member. Stella (spanky, sparkles supreme, Joni) Slade. Yep...a puppy. I know the neighbors are going to hate it..having another little "rat dog" around, but we love her.

she has such a personality. Here is her picture. Cute huh?

Jennifer's last year...first game

2008-08-22T20:45:00.001-07:00

Hey look at my girl. She is good, hurt shoulder and all.

tagged (for mommies)

2008-08-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

O.k. I am trying this out.

Age of kids (20, 17, deceased, 12)
Birthdays (6/29/88, 12/18/90, 2/24/94, 5/28/96)
Time of Birth (1:30 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 11:00 a.m., 10:30 a.m.) *I think--not exact
How long labor (36 hours, 0 hours, 4 hours, 0 hours)
How long did you push? (4 hours, 0 hours, 0 hours, 0 hours --C sections)
Any hair? (peach fuzz, Red fuzz, brown hair, black hair)
Who does he/she look like (DAD, Both, I think Mom, Both)
Weight at birth (7'6", 6'12", 7'3", 7'0")
HOw much weight did I gain? (23 lbs, 26 lbs, 28 lbs, 22 lbs)
Early or late? (Right on due date, early (scheduled), early (went into labor), early (as scheduled)
Baby showers. (One for oldest)
Who watches. NO one...they are old enough to watch themselves
another? Can't (am totally bummed but nothing I can do about it)
How did you know time to go to hospital? (PAIN!, told me what time to be there, PAIN< told me what time to be there)
insert italic tagsan style="font-weight:bold;">did you cry? (no too tired...slept, no..just happy, no just happy, No sad I knew it was my last one...but happy to have her)
Where born? (all at UVRMC) -- I thought they did a good job. But I needed the good hospital for C-sections.

Thanks for this opportunity. I seldom spend time remembering these details. I am grateful I have.

Later

2008-08-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

This view is facing west...towards the white board and the lecture area. It isn't as cool but will be when I get unlazy and hang a few things on the walls.

So.. What do you think...This view is looking East...towards the Lab area I have...cool I have a lab area. Thanks so much to the REdd Family for putting the laminate on the floor. It looks awesome...Thanks all those boys who helped.

School is starting soon!

2008-08-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

Well,
Meridian School. I have been there for 14 years now. The first year I taught I gave birth to my third child Kevin during February. The other day a couple was touring our school and surprisingly he said, "Hello, Mrs. Slade". I looked a bit crazy that day. I had ridden my bike and hadn't showered as of yet. I think I might have looked like I was trying to be so cool.

"Do you remember me?" "My name is...." I graduated in 1994. You were my AP biology Teacher. I got a 4 on the test. Thanks a ton...I got out of taking college biology because of that.

Wow! A student from the first year I taught. He is married with three kids and lives out east. He is a teacher. He came to see what the school was up to. I guess it really did mean something to some of my kids. We remembered a few things together. And then he left. I guess teaching is a good thing. Maybe students really do remember their teachers at times. Yea!

Well next post I am going to take a picture of my classroom. I do not know how long I will be there but I plan on enjoying each day I have in that room. You will see just how cool it is soon.

I guess I have to start working again soon. I have enjoyed my free time. It is very different deciding what to do with each hour of the day instead of having it dictated by a bell. Oh well. Bells will start ringing soon. I look forward to teaching again. I hope I can help a few students this year.

Later....

Am I ready for this?

2008-08-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

so this week was an eye opener. We had no children at home. So strange. Both girls went to girls camp and of course TRevor is all grown up and out of the house. What to do. Well, given this new freedom John and I decided to take off for a few days and just have us time. It was a bit strange. I am a bit adventerous and prefer doing things. John has a broken foot, still. He tried hard to not let it bother him but I found myself a little old feeling each time we just did mild nonactive activities. Strange.

I also found that I noticed families with small children everywhere and I missed those days. But all in all it was wonderful. There is no one else I would prefer to just hang out with than John. He truly loves me for who I am and seems to honestly enjoy my company. That is so cool. So we made big plans. Go back to park city and bring our bikes...ride down the mountain. Hike, hike hike, and just tucker ourselves out. This time though was relaxing. Swimming is one of my favorite past times, especially when I have the pool to myself. So, I would get up early, which is normal, go down, eat breakfast and then swim by myself until John came down to join me. HEAVEN!

I often feel too young but then realize that is just how it is. After we got home I spent the evening enjoying my neighbors grandkids. That helped alleviate the missing kids part. They are great.

This week

2008-07-19T06:45:00.001-07:00

This week has been eventful and yet noneventful at the same time. I enjoy weeks like this. I have spent a lot of time in my classroom trying to clean out from the mess I made when moving. I have been going through box after box. when I first started moving I really made an effort to organize the equipment into specific boxes...unfortunately by the time I was almost finished I was so tired that I began to just throw things into boxes. If it fit that was all I asked. I am now paying the price but doing well.
I also discovered that my sink doesn't quite work the way I had hoped it would. I used it the other day for a while and thought nothing about it...then I went into the storage closet and discovered that the water was draining into the closet. I am not sure how that works...or how they set up the plumbing but for me it really doesn't work. I have to figure this out because I know that I will be needing the sink a lot. I decided to inform the administration and see what they did. they are used to me being pretty self sufficient and doing things myself. This does save them a lot of money so they seldom say much.
I also broke a display case while moving a cabinent into my room. I fixed it...it wasn't the best but I think it looks good and no one has said much to me since. so I guess it is exceptable. Yea me. One thing I have learned is that if I really want to I can learn how to do most anything. It does often require patience because sometimes I just do not want to spend the time making the mistakes it takes to learn.
The rest of the week went well. Friday we went down the river with sunny and Trevor. It was a lot of fun and only took an hour. I am doing better at cleaning my house and keeping things in line. I am a little tired of JOhn's broken foot. I feel bad because he is missing out on so much. I hope he heals soon.
I need to get better at taking my camera places...it seems I forget too easily.

New school

2008-07-02T07:20:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went to visit the new building. I love my new classroom. It is spacious and different...not regular four walls for me. I have never wanted the "same". I am excited to begin the process of creating a classroom for myself and my students.
Unfortunately, as John and I were moving in my new desk he purchased for me from the state we dropped it right on his foot. He broke it in two places. I felt terrible.

What an incredible labor of love, but what memory attached to the desk.

2008-06-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

Just a few pictures of some of the many things I saw!

Home again!

2008-06-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it!
I left the country, with my daughter Jen and saw places I had never seen before. I have stamps in my passport. so silly.

We loved it! We started in rome, moved to Florence, stopping at a couple small towns on the way (ovierta and who knows?). Then we moved on to Switzerland and ended in Paris. We walked a lot, saw a lot and slept well each night (even when the hotel beds were like rocks).

We experienced a lot of cool food and art and architecture. I have to say the building s and alley ways were my favorite. I loved to take off and explore the alley ways (you could often here me say "so cute!") to many of them.

Welcome

2008-05-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome.

Today marks the second to last day of another year of school for me. The seniors this year and I have grown very close over the last six years. I love them. I mean when I think of them leaving me I am sad. We have done much together. We went to vegas to see the human body show, Zion's to camp, of course our favorite eating place (mongolian BBQ) in St. George. We have spent the last years helping each other and loving each other.

Each year students of mine graduate. Each year I am sad. So today I decided to start a blog in hopes that many of these students and other friends will keep in touch with me.

So, Welcome to my blog. I know that it is much more exciting to have my family included as well as my school. so here we go. Wish me luck! I have never done this before and hope to learn a lot. I do think it will be fun.