family Happenings

Changes

Wow! The changes have come in large amounts. It is strange. I am not longer teaching school, Lizzy is attending the public Jr. High as a ninth grader, and my older two kids are well, growing up.

So, What have a learned? First, I am just not that great of a stay at home mom. I have few skills. I don't sew, can, cook elaborate meals each day after planning it out precisely and finally I am not very good at blogging and stuff. Some days I find myself alone in the house and think...Now what?

But then I remember who I am. I actually am a pretty awesome person. I love people. I love to help people. I love being a mom. I am enjoying seeing my daughter in the mornings before school and my other daughter before work. I enjoy being here when they get home, and I enjoy just hanging out with them. I enjoy tutoring a couple kids in the afternoons and evenings. I enjoy a little bit cleaner house than usual. I enjoy learning new things and trying new things.

Am I wonder woman? Am I even close to the perfection of my neighbor? NO...but hey, I still think I am doing pretty well.

For me anyway,

Later

Our new additions....

I thougth babies were no more in my house..WRONG. Thanks Stella for helping me out. What a great Mom you are.

So here they are...three pups. Two girls...One boy...

The Black and White one is the boy...

Spring is in the air

I love Spring. I love watching plants come back to life, bigger and better than before. I love watching the new bulb plants poke through the dirt. I love the leaves on trees...go green! I love spring.

I love that school is close to ending for the summer. I love to mow the lawn, plant my garden, sit outside in the sun...I love it all.

YEA for Spring.

Happy Birthday Kevin

This is a picture of my son's last birthday here on this earth. Nine months to the day after this picture was taken he went to live with his Heavenly Father. A mother's love for a son is eternal and my heart continues to ache for him. I wish I could hold him, talk to him, see him.

If he were still here he would be 16 years of age on the 24th. Sometimes when I miss him I try to close my eyes and picture him as he might be. I never can. All I can ever see is his face at this time of his life.

He was such a sweet boy. I remember one day in first grade it was another student's birthday. That student gave each student in the class a balloon. After school as we were getting in the car a little girl from his class lost her balloon. Kevin looked at me and without saying a word walked over to her and gave her his balloon. That was just who he was...always worried and concerned of how others were feeling.

He was always curious about the world and everything around him. He loved soccer and enjoyed being with his friends. He had the most faith of all of us and during the early fall, only weeks before he passed away, we would take him for walks around the neighborhood. He was too weak to walk himself and so we pushed him in a large stroller (red...he picked out the color). He would look at the mountains and ask if next summer we could do more up in the mountains. He loved the mountains. He would ask if we would please sign him up for spring soccer. Each conversation broke my heart as I promised him things I knew would never be. He died October 24th.

Few can understand the sorrow that occurs when a mother loses a child. In fact I truly do not think you can understand unless you have experienced it. It is an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

Sometimes after his death I would watch a mother yell at her child or ignore them or read an article of children being neglected and think, "why don't they get it...I would give anything for 5 minutes with my son, and those 5 minutes would be all about him"

I learned a lot during his illness. I learned that sometimes housework and projects I might have just don't matter when a child needs you. I have often walked past a load of laundry or a wet paint brush to take care of a child. I also try hard to involve my children (and others...anyone who will loan me one) in what ever I am doing. I often have kids helping me clcean, make things in the kitchen, and such.

I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned by this experience and yet still wish I could see how things might be today with a 16 year old boy again.

Happy Birthday my little Kevin. You are missed.

Horses of course

I made John stop on the side of the road so I could feed and pet some horses. I guess I still like those farm animals. Just a city girl's dream.

Ice castles

These were pretty cool. Monday on our trip....

Our get away...

These are at the homestead in Midway. It was a great, short trip. So many years and we still love spending time together...just because.

Me and my baby girl....

This is Mom and Elizabeth as we often are..together and loving it. This is a basketball game for Meridian. They lost...but we had fun.

Happy Anniversary

These pictures are old...The top one is from a dance John and I went to before we really knew how much we loved each other. The second picture is of the night John accepted my proposal of marriage (that's right folks...I asked him!). The last 24 years have been best years of my life. John really didn't know what he was getting into when he said yes. Our marriage has been full of challenges, struggles, joy, and happiness. Soon after John and I got married we found out we had lost a large sum of money. He just loved me and kept going. Soon after his graduation we moved in with my mother and two brothers and sister to help them out for a while. (turned out to be 8 years). John was always there, patient accepting and loving everyday. When we found out we couldn't have any more children, he was happy for the four we had and with faith helped me over come my disappointment. When our third child got sick John was the one who never let sorrow over come him. He often held me as I cried and his strong faith never waivered. The night our son died, John held me for hours as I cried uncontrollably. His faith still strong. He allowed me to lean on him. When he had to go to Kuwait for a year he was faithful and strong, an example to all those he served with of his love for his wife and family. When I struggled with personal things he was just always there when I needed him. John has always seen me as someone I could be. He has always loved me and shows it often.

I have been told that I probably am not quite good enough for him, but John doesn't see it that way. He thanks me for all that I do for him. He tells me of the example of acceptance, sacrifice, forgiveness, and love that I am to him. I often feel unworthy of such a man in my life. He truly is a great example of Christ like love. He loves me, he sees me as who I am, not what I do.

I thank him for all his faith in God and in me. I strive each day to become all that I know my dear husband believes I am.

Happy Anniversary my love. You are so perfect for me. Thank you, thank you for saying, "yes".

Stefanie -- 143

Nothing better than a basketball game to get away from it all!

so...Here it is...Wednesday night and I was thinking all day it was Friday...By the time school was out...the last thing I wanted to do was go home. I needed stress relief. So...I went to the Meridian Boys basketball game and watched them struggle to win. It was a great game and it gave me something to get excited about....

Lizzy was thrilled to go with me...Here she is! She is cute isn't she?

Camera is ordered...but not here

Week three...

Lessons I am learning.

There are different responses that I see in myself. Sometimes when I become aware of something that I could improve...I ignore it. I simply say to myself. This is me. I will not change...take it or leave it. And...I make no effort to improve and continue down the road I am on, staying in my rut.

Other times I become aware of something I could change and take it to heart. so much so that it hurts and I begin to feel so down on myself. My self esteem suffers and I begin a "beat myself up" session. This results in poor feelings and well. Little change.

And then other times...I hear what people say, I think about it, agree if I can see the truth in it, feel sorrow and desire to change and then use those emotions to begin the process of change.

We are here on Earth to learn to become more Christlike. It is obvious that in order to do that we need to learn (learning here is defined as a permanent change in thought and/or behavior). Each of us forms defense mechanisms to protect ourselves and yet more often than not we choose a path which leads us somewhere other than change. Either to pride..."I am good enough...so good that I do not need to change"...Or to the gutters..."I am terrible...I do not deserve the love of others....I will never be good enough"

Finding the ability to set goals...strive to reach those goals without getting discouraged is a great challenge. Accepting who we are and yet accepting that we need to change at times is all a part of that challenge. Understanding and knowing that God loves us just as we are and yet wants us to become all that he knows we can be. All the while fighting Satan who is trying to sneak in and tear us down or build us up so high that we will never change.

So....how did my goals go this week. I worked on them. Some days were better than others...but I am not discouraged. My desire is to become more like Christ and to better serve Him. I know that Christ will love me all the way through the process and will be always reaching out to help in anyway He can.

Week 2

ok.. I wanted to take pictures this week, because I think pictures are definitely worth a thousand words...but my camera seems to be broken. No worries. John says he will get me a new camera for my birthday...That is pretty soon...so, I hope you will look forward to them.

On to my assessment.

This week on my goals.

1. Eating is improving. I am beginning to not even want a lot of sweets and stuff. This week, I made a healthy dinner every night for my family (I know way impressive!). Most evenings we were even able to sit and eat together. I found this a benefit worth the time. Resisting sweets is getting a little easier but I still can't convince my taste buds that they don't need to taste something sweet after each meal.

2. Money. I have made it so far without taking any of the money I put into my mission fund! I have another week, but I think we can wait to get a few things before then. Go me. The events in Haiti have really affected me alot. I watch news footage and my heart aches. I feel humbled and a bit selfish. Here I am worried about not eating too much, whether or not I look good going grey, and so on. And I watch people who have lost a number of members of their family, their homes and who are wishing they had food to feed their children...etc.

My desire to serve the people of the world became stronger and stronger. I want to get out of my comfort zone and help by bringing the Gospel to them. To bring them to the Savior to help them gain an eternal perspective and hope. HOPE. So many of the faces seemed to lack the hope of anything better.

3. Being me. Ok. My favorite one this week, because I have had the most success with it. I have enjoyed being me and enjoyed not really worrying about what others think. It is crazy, but so many times I have wanted more than anything that people would like me, not just like me, but like to be around me.

Anyway, so, I be me. I am fun, crazy, loving, giving, and well fearful, have fairly low self esteem and sarcastic at times. But, I am accepting me and although I am trying to choose the right, I am also trying to do what I think the Lord would have me do, instead of trying to follow all the shoulds and should nots of other people. This week...I heard these words, "You are so easy to love, and you are so easy to be with". ME. Guys, ME. That is cool!

Until next week!

My first week...My goal report

How did my first week go? Not bad...not perfect.

I think it is funny the way at the New Year we plan to change almost completely in a one day. I have decided that change for me is more slow. So my first week wasn't anywhere near where I wanted it to be. I didn't achieve my goals and wasn't everything I wanted to be, but I did well and sometimes was closer than I was before.

The hardest part this week...Oreos. Crazy! I am not sure why they were so hard for me to resist although I think it was simply because they seemed to always be there. When Jennifer is home, Oreos is one of her favorite treats to have around. So everytime her Dad or I went to the store she got Oreos. (Yes, it is because we spoil her) .

So Oreos were in my house. And even when for a day or two there weren't it seems that they were everywhere at school and because my students know I have an Oreo weakness, they were always happy to share. One would leave them on my desk with a cute note. Yep, I would eat them. Except once. One time, I just didn't. YEA ME!

So you see even my one weakness, once, I was able to resist. So this week was success in the eating department. Actually, except for the Oreos I did extremely well. I ate fruit, veggies, and soups. I chose good foods. I came home and cooked good dinners and ate just what I needed to feel satisfied.

In the exercise department, I was about 30% successful. I know not very good but some is better than none.

In the being me department...going well, I think. You know what I have felt this week? Heavenly Father really likes who I am. So why don't I? My hair is slowing growing out and isn't bothering nearly as much as I thought it would. I even think I might be a pretty hot little grey haired lady. Yep, I said HOT...

Oh, my third goal...Money. . My first paycheck I put the required amount I had figured into a new savings account. It didn't leave me with much and I thought often that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to survive on what was left, especially since this week I spent most of what was left on things for Jen for school.

So, I leave it in the Lord's hand. If He wants me to do this, I know He will help me find a way. I can't right now see how my goal will possibly be achieved but that doesn't matter. My job is to have faith, do what I can, and leave the rest to Him.

So we will see.

Until next week.

What is different here?

These are my girls' rooms. Each is different in color, each is unique according to each girls' personality. They are also the same in many ways. They are both a little (ok sometimes a lot) messy. They are both filled with memories and love.

The the biggest difference? Can you see it? One doesn't have someone in it. Jennifer is back to school. Her room seems empty without her.

Lucky for us, Elizabeth has a few years left at home with Mom and Dad.

Today things are so different. We really miss are children when they leave home. We are happy for them and glad they are growing up...but miss them terribly when they leave...

So today, I am a little sad... I miss my Jen.

A Third goal!

Last night at the Stake Fireside another goal came to my mind. Save for a mission. As I watched the video prepared by the Church I felt an overwhelming desire to go out into the world and serve (mission). The reality of the possibility was realized was I began to think, "in five years Lizzy (my baby) will be graduated and going to college. We could go on a mission soon after...But money.

So I calculated out about how much we would need to survive and how much I would have to put away each month starting this month. And new goal came to be...have enough money saved to serve a mission in 6 years (one year to take care of Lizzy her first year...).

Wish me luck...

Welcome 2010

Welcome 2010!

I think this year is going to be a great one...why you ask? well, It has been a long struggle for me in the past and this year...I actually feel like I am letting go of a few things and now I can set new goals. Have new interests and accomplish things I hadn't been able to accomplish all that well because I have been so consumed emotionally with other things.

This year I begin the year with little baggage. YEA ME!

So...goals.

1. I really need to lose 10 pounds. I know that even though my doctor tells me I am perfect according to his charts and I am by no means overweight...I have issues that affect my life and I want to take care of them. These issues include...bad knees, bad hips, and my overall feeling.

I don't feel that well. My knees hurt often and my hip goes out of place often. The other day I tool my girls to see a movie and after 2 1.2 hours of sitting I struggled to get up and walk. So, ten pounds and a lot of toning is my first goal. I started off with a cleanse and will go from there. I will keep you informed of how I am doing. I would like to be 10 pounds free and tone by my anniversary...February 14th!.

2. Be me! I have spent so much of my life trying so hard to please others...I worked hard to overcome a lot of baggage in my day and now that I feel free of it...I want to just be me. Honestly I think I am a pretty great person. I just fear getting hurt. No more. I want to be me! Wish me luck (oh this is going to include not coloring my hair anymore...that should be interesting but I take courage from Dawn Jones...she is my inspiration..thanks Dawn)

Well that's it. really for now... I mean there are the goals we always have of reading the scriptures everyday...but that isn't a new goal for me...it is an on going one. I will keep it.

Well, Happy New year to all of you. Read on. I have many weaknesses, especially in the losing weight category (cashew nuts, candied almonds, medium rare steak, homemade french fries, oreos, fresh strawberry shakes...Oh the list goes on *I love food) and I don't plan on giving up all of my weaknesses, just being more careful about the serving sizes and how often I consume them.

Stay tuned...

On top of the world....then back to reality

So, here we are...Day 3. It started off with a little bit of resistance. The girls were tired and not sure they wanted to do another hike. But, this hike was so awesome that by the end, they were climbing on top of the arches and wanting to see more. We truly felt at times like we were on top of the world, looking down.

Then we drove home. As I got home, unpacked, and started my normal life again, playing with the neighbor girls I cried. OH how sad I was.

I started to feel a bit sorry for myself. Reality was setting in. I no longer felt, "on top of the world". I felt just down. What a bummer it was and how much I wanted to return to our vacation.

Why? you ask...ok, so maybe you didn't but this is my blog!

Simple. The things I have to face began to overwhelm me. You see, in one week it is Kevin's 8th anniversary. The anniversary of the day I told him good bye, never to see him in this life again. The beginning of a hole in my heart that hurts so much sometimes, I can barely tolerate it. John is leaving in two days. Off to Egypt for an army trip. This began to again overwhelm me and my fears of him leaving me alone surfaced strong again. And then...well....relationships. I began to be more sensitive to every little disappointment and sorrow that seems to surround me in my neighborhood. So...I cried.

And then I realized that things were ok. I mean, of course they hurt sometimes but through the atonement of Christ, all things will be ok. Ok. So...I am climbing myself back to the top of the world. "Forget yourself....and get to work" ---those words of Pres. Hinckley's father are so wise.

Later

MESA VERDE

Today was and incredible day! These ruins are incredible. And it was wonderful to be with my girls. Missed Trevor, but know he is working and studying hard. Enjoy!

Fall Break

Moab 2009

The Slade Family

Summer 2009

You would think that because it is summer and I have no school, I would blog all the more...but to be honest. Blogging is losing it's appeal to me. I mean seriously. For some it is a kind of brag session. "Look how wonderful I am" "look at what i did" etc...etc...etc...
for others it is a gripe session. I way of releiving tension. Expressing emotions..complaining...Looking for support. (probably what this one is). Oh well.

The thing is, this summer has been great. No, I didn't spend each day making crafts and taking pictures and showing them off. No, I didn't go anywhere spectacular, or accomplish anything that seemed all that great. I was just me. Stefanie. I got up early and watched my Husband leave at the same time as always. I was able to spend more time reading than before. I spent wonderful moments with my Daughters, one who is leaving soon for college. many times they were simple times, shopping, sitting outside on the swing, going to plays or movies or lunch. Nothing "worth" a picture. But that is o.k. because one afternoon my daughter said, "I am not sure I want to leave home" HOme...A place of refuge. A place of safety and acceptance.

I spent much of the summer answering knocks on the door to kids who wanted to come "play". I read books, gave "underdoggie" and even had them help me clean one day. They had a ball. I loved it all. Home, My home. A place where I hope all are welcome and all are safe. A place that might not always be the most creative, or fun, but a place where there is love.

So, HOnestly. I do not know how much I will blog in the future, (not really sure anyone reads it anyway). You all, go a head, blog your hearts out. I think it is great, just not so great for me.

If you want to see how it feels in my home...come visit. Our door is always open.