Summer 2009

You would think that because it is summer and I have no school, I would blog all the more...but to be honest. Blogging is losing it's appeal to me. I mean seriously. For some it is a kind of brag session. "Look how wonderful I am" "look at what i did" etc...etc...etc...
for others it is a gripe session. I way of releiving tension. Expressing emotions..complaining...Looking for support. (probably what this one is). Oh well.

The thing is, this summer has been great. No, I didn't spend each day making crafts and taking pictures and showing them off. No, I didn't go anywhere spectacular, or accomplish anything that seemed all that great. I was just me. Stefanie. I got up early and watched my Husband leave at the same time as always. I was able to spend more time reading than before. I spent wonderful moments with my Daughters, one who is leaving soon for college. many times they were simple times, shopping, sitting outside on the swing, going to plays or movies or lunch. Nothing "worth" a picture. But that is o.k. because one afternoon my daughter said, "I am not sure I want to leave home" HOme...A place of refuge. A place of safety and acceptance.

I spent much of the summer answering knocks on the door to kids who wanted to come "play". I read books, gave "underdoggie" and even had them help me clean one day. They had a ball. I loved it all. Home, My home. A place where I hope all are welcome and all are safe. A place that might not always be the most creative, or fun, but a place where there is love.

So, HOnestly. I do not know how much I will blog in the future, (not really sure anyone reads it anyway). You all, go a head, blog your hearts out. I think it is great, just not so great for me.

If you want to see how it feels in my home...come visit. Our door is always open.

Failed permanently?

School is finally out for me. I am glad and yet a bit worried at the same time. I do not always do well when I have time that I have to decide what I am going to do with. I like to have someone or a schedule tell me regularly what I need to do. When it is up to me, I have a tendency to start off great in the morning, but my midday, I am wasting time. What ever that means. I like my life to be run on bells (as in school) it is easier and quite frankly requires little self discipline. I so admire those mothers who stay home and just accomplish one thing after another.

Am I a failure?

I sent an email today to a friend. In response I got the demon telling me that the email was not successfully sent...that it had failed permanently. That got me thinking.

I do not believe in permanent failure. I believe in being weak and having moments of falling...but failure. Who are we failing. Christ? O.k. let's look at this. Christ gave us bodies. Bodies are weak. They need to eat, they have emotions, they get tired, they have desires and drives...oh the list can go on. But let's move forward. Christ gave us these bodies knowing we would not be prefect. He gave us these so that we could learn to depend on Him, everyday. Every single minute of every single day. So, when we fail...we feel like crap...and we can't get up...and so we reach...we reach for the hand of Christ and he lifts us up. He lifts us up and sends us on our way, there the next time we fall. So, falling is a moment when we get to be in a position where we need Christ more than before...and so Christ has what he wants...and we are better for it. Falling isn't failure to Christ...it brings us to Him. That is what He wants.

There is no permanent failure, because failure in and off itself is success...if and when we reach for the Hand of Christ.



Oh I have to say one thing. That bad thing I did...really wasn't bad. So weird. the other party totally over reacted and I believed him when he told me I had done something terrible...But then it really wasn't. He even knows that now...says he was just mad in the moment. I won't give more details because well it just doesn't matter. I did learn to stay calm and check things out before I believe and angry person.

Summer is here! Hope to see you all soon. need lunches and lots of them soon.

So confused...

O.k. you out there...have you ever done anything bad? I mean, potentially really really bad. I mean something that could possibly hurt someone else's life...or affect it in a way that would be bad?

I have. Just yesterday. Funny thing, I didn't even realize it was bad until I received the response...oh boy was it bad. I was confused, scared, and felt terrible for a very long time...still do a bit.

Have you ever wished you could go back and just not open that mouth or have a different response...or maybe just think before you...well do anything. I am not so good at being calm and thinking through my responses...too often I just talk or act with little previous thought.

How long should one feel guilt, regret, pain and sorrow for something they accidentally did...didn't mean to do.

I am sitting here, before going to the dentist, wishing I had been better at flossing all those years and thinking, "will there be a price down the road I will have to pay for this too?" is there going to be more.

do I need to fear the future?

Oh well, I had no idea where I was going with this when I started...still not sure...but welcome any comments. Maybe one of you might know.

To be young again....

Last night my husband took me to prom. I know crazy that people as old as us can still go to prom....Get past high school you might think. Really we were chaperone prom...John and I were helping Travis make sure prom ran smoothly. John and I were in charge of collecting money as the kids arrived.

Despite this, I took the opportunity to dress up. I mean all out. Jesslyn Parker a young 15 year old in our ward, came over and did my hair, and Jen (my Jen) did my makeup, and My Elizabeth took pictures....We also got them done at the dance...they said we could for free...but those we won't have until this week. Then I had the absolutely cutest date ever (my hubby) take me to the dance.

Granted we spent most of the night at the table at the entrance telling the kids how wonderful they looked and taking their money, but oh what fun we had. Of course when the song, "a lady in red played" I made my hubby take me to the dance floor.

I am old...I know that but I am glad once in a while I am giving the opportunity to feel young again. Even if it is all pretend and just like playing dress up when you were a kid.

Thanks guys for all the help. And thanks to my Meridian students who were so supportive and enjoy my silly little antics. It was a great night!

RULES!

I am a teacher. I like rules. Or in other words...expectations. Things I expect my students to do in order to achieve in my class. Rules make it easy to know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. The problem I am running into....the rules of life.

Who gets to decide? I think we have too many. I mean each day it seems someone is telling me something I can, or can't do (or should or shouldn't). It is tiring.

The scriptures give us the beatitudes. The greatest commandment of all tells us to love God and the second...to love our neighbor as our self. That's it. It doesn't tell us how, when or the appropriate way to do that. It doesn't even really tell us who our neighbor is...although the parable of the good Samaritan implies...just about everyone.

But I am finding that everyone also has their own rules they live by which often they want others to live by it also. Rules...rules...rules...

There are too many conflicting rules...

O.k. I have just decided that it is obvious that I have issues with being who I want to be, since the last few posts have been too similar. I think I just need to figure this out and well, move on. Quick...before I bore the entire lot of you.

Thanks for reading. Love you guys.