A crowd...I am not alone!

Today, I am blogging to just say thanks...

First,

Thanks Ipo!

Thank you my dear for your honesty. Thanks for reading my blog and letting me read yours. Thanks for sharing and opening the door that often pride keeps us from opening. Thanks for being my friend in exposure. I love you for that. It takes a strong person to face their weakness. Thank you for your example!

Second,

Thanks friends!

Thanks to all those who can see me instead of what I have done, said, or acted like. Your belief in me has helped me believe in myself! I am still good...Good enough (remember pounder!)

Thanks so much!

Third,

Thanks to me!

Thanks to my brain. Thanks for the tendency I have of being a little too logical and too emotional and too sensitive and just for thinking too much at times. Yes...those traits do contradict each other and often result in temporary insanity.... but still...Thanks...

Yesterday, I finally admitted (actually again) that something is wrong. Was it chemical? Do I need drugs? Or is it like an addiction? What is it? You see I was being bothered by such little things yesterday. Nothing new (in fact my husband often asks me the question..."Why are you surprised at this?"), but for some reason...my mind has been consumed with worry, fear, and stuff. Why?

After two eight grade girls came into my room, right after I had finally begun my lecture and in response I simply glared at them...hard enough that they turned and left without asking me what ever it was they came for. I realized and admitted..."I have a problem!"

What was the cause...what was the trigger? did I need a change in my life? maybe move...or change jobs...or just become a hermit until I am sane once again?

I made a disgruntle list. A list of things that I felt were causing me grief. Things that I was either afraid of, worried about, or just plain sick of. I then looked at each one. Is this something I can do something about? Is this something I am willing to accept? Or...is this something I must change?

Surprisingly, some of the things I was afraid of all of the sudden were put in perspective. They were small, insignificant, and well already a reality in some cases. So...why worry. Some I had little control over...some I am o.k. with..I think I just forgot I was o.k. with it.

This was, I have to say...one of the best things I have done in a long time..

It helped me realize that I think I was addicted to having problems. I mean...I spent 1 1/2 years watching my son slowly die...wondering from day to day if it was his last...wondering how I was going to survive....Then....financial trouble because of the whole thing...then an absent husband for 15 months...gone to war (would he come back? how lonely I am....)...Then time trying to figure out the process of forgiving...building lost relationships...learning to make mistakes...changing....

but this list, well it made me realize...I don't really have much to worry about. I mean not in comparison. My life is good. So what if not everyone likes me (most do...) so What if not everyone can or is willing to forgive me (I can't control that)...So what if I can't buy everything I want...(few can). so what if it snowed today and I hate it! I will live today, go to bed and wake up...Spring will come!

I think I just got used to feeling "bad". So strange.

Keeping it real.

This is not a post of how wonderful I am, or my family, or my kids....although I do believe that...This my real post of the day...Because today, I am feeling, well, not good enough. And that feeling tells me that I am not thinking correctly. But this kind of thinking is a part of my weakness...the Natural Man thing.

I sometimes think (which isn't a correct thought) in this life that sorrow and pain are a sign of weakness...or at least a sign of a complete lack of faith. Because you see those people who have the faith they need would always have an eternal perspective and not worry excessively about the choices their children make, or not allow their hearts to break when a child chooses a wrong path, or when you miss holding your cute little boy in your arms because he was called back to heaven quite a bit earlier than normal, or the guilt over feeling jealous at watching a mother scratch her child's back during church...A child around the age yours should be. The guilt of feeling that at those moments your faith is lacking...for you see, those who have great faith, they just don't worry. They put their trust in God and suggest...so should you. It seems my list of should do's is quite long.

I think that faith is being able to allow yourself to hurt, feel sorrow, worry, and make mistakes. It is a faith that God loves us even though we haven't yet figured out how to handle this "free agency thing" or how to "put off the natural man all of the time". It is a faith to trust that somehow the hurt and sorrow will pass, but faith to allow it to be a part of us. Faith to screw up in front of people who may or may not understand us. Faith to be real. Faith to fall and get back up again, regardless of how we are seen. Faith to cry or admit...hey this is so hard. I can't do it by myself. "please Lord, Please help me today...I am struggling with this weakness again". Please help me accept thy will, the plan of salvation, the choices my children make and please help me accept myself...Please.

I struggle with feeling good enough. I fear man more than God, because I allow other's opinions of me to affect how I act, instead of acting the way I think God wants me too. I worry too much when others decide they don't like to be around me. But this experience...if nothing else, had helped me realize that I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I do...not good enough, a big list of "you should...". I think sometimes I should stand in front of a mirror and tell myself the many things I tell others.

"You are incredible!"
"I love you"
"you are so smart...don't let this mistake convince you otherwise"
"you just struggle in this area, but look how good you are in ___ this area"
"You are working so hard, don't let this one setback discourage you...what you are learning is how to work and that is more important than this fall"
"Success may not be immediate, but it will come to those who keep trying"
"You are beautiful, Beauty is not the makeup you wear or the way your hair is styled...it is who you are on the inside...You are Beautiful"
"You are good enough for me...I admire those who struggle, and keep going. I admire you!"

Ta ta for now...If you need these words...consider them for you...If you want to hear them in person...Give me a call. I will tell you how wonderful you are. It is one of my favorite things to do.

The Joys of Family

Surprising how long it took for me to add another post. I think I wanted the celebration of Kevin to continue for a while. Sometimes the ache is still so strong. I miss his terribly. But today I am ready to move forward again. I know that Kevin would want me to.

I have been thinking a great deal lately on the blessings I have in my family. The Lord has truly blessed me with a wonderful family. First there's my incredible husband, John. I never believed that anyone could love me as much as he does and how he does. He is never critical and always happy to be with me. He is respectful of me and thinks I am incredible. I really love having someone think I am wonderful and who isn't afraid to tell me often. Even though I do not always believe it. He just patiently tells me over and over again, knowing one day I will believe it all.

Then my children. Oh what blessings they are to me. Trevor is so determined. He is a good kid, who sometimes seems a little lost but then who suddenly shows you He is just looking for the path he knows is right. He has always respected his family and is misses so much when he is gone. Jennifer is my little spit fire. She is such and incredible one. She knows who she is a doesn't allow others to influence or hurt her in any way. And then there is my Elizabeth... Elizabeth has the sweetest, most kind heart I know. I love to just lay with her at night and talk about her day and the many things she thinks about. What an incredible example she is to me.

There is a song I love, it sings of home being a place where you are accepted and loved for who you are, always made to feel wonderful and loved. My home is that kind of place, thanks to my family.

I am so grateful for my family. We are strong because we are together, forever.