A crowd...I am not alone!

Today, I am blogging to just say thanks...

First,

Thanks Ipo!

Thank you my dear for your honesty. Thanks for reading my blog and letting me read yours. Thanks for sharing and opening the door that often pride keeps us from opening. Thanks for being my friend in exposure. I love you for that. It takes a strong person to face their weakness. Thank you for your example!

Second,

Thanks friends!

Thanks to all those who can see me instead of what I have done, said, or acted like. Your belief in me has helped me believe in myself! I am still good...Good enough (remember pounder!)

Thanks so much!

Third,

Thanks to me!

Thanks to my brain. Thanks for the tendency I have of being a little too logical and too emotional and too sensitive and just for thinking too much at times. Yes...those traits do contradict each other and often result in temporary insanity.... but still...Thanks...

Yesterday, I finally admitted (actually again) that something is wrong. Was it chemical? Do I need drugs? Or is it like an addiction? What is it? You see I was being bothered by such little things yesterday. Nothing new (in fact my husband often asks me the question..."Why are you surprised at this?"), but for some reason...my mind has been consumed with worry, fear, and stuff. Why?

After two eight grade girls came into my room, right after I had finally begun my lecture and in response I simply glared at them...hard enough that they turned and left without asking me what ever it was they came for. I realized and admitted..."I have a problem!"

What was the cause...what was the trigger? did I need a change in my life? maybe move...or change jobs...or just become a hermit until I am sane once again?

I made a disgruntle list. A list of things that I felt were causing me grief. Things that I was either afraid of, worried about, or just plain sick of. I then looked at each one. Is this something I can do something about? Is this something I am willing to accept? Or...is this something I must change?

Surprisingly, some of the things I was afraid of all of the sudden were put in perspective. They were small, insignificant, and well already a reality in some cases. So...why worry. Some I had little control over...some I am o.k. with..I think I just forgot I was o.k. with it.

This was, I have to say...one of the best things I have done in a long time..

It helped me realize that I think I was addicted to having problems. I mean...I spent 1 1/2 years watching my son slowly die...wondering from day to day if it was his last...wondering how I was going to survive....Then....financial trouble because of the whole thing...then an absent husband for 15 months...gone to war (would he come back? how lonely I am....)...Then time trying to figure out the process of forgiving...building lost relationships...learning to make mistakes...changing....

but this list, well it made me realize...I don't really have much to worry about. I mean not in comparison. My life is good. So what if not everyone likes me (most do...) so What if not everyone can or is willing to forgive me (I can't control that)...So what if I can't buy everything I want...(few can). so what if it snowed today and I hate it! I will live today, go to bed and wake up...Spring will come!

I think I just got used to feeling "bad". So strange.