Fan club

Have you ever been a member of a fan club? I mean someone who seemingly worships the ground someone or a group of someones walk one or even something walks on? I have to say. I never have been until today. I think.

I grew up with posters of horses and puppies on my wall. I loved animals and the outdoors. I felt I was too intelligent to be in a club that worshiped someone or something so unrealistically. Many of my friends were always "in love" with someone famous or addicted to something (video games, telelvision shows, etc...), thinking of them, finding out about them, and wanting more than anything to meet them. I thought that was so strange.

The problem I see with fan clubs, or being a die hard fan of someone or something is your judgment seems to be clouded. You see that person or state of mind as perfect. Little fault can be seen. You emotions become out of control. You lose control of reasonable thinking at times. You do not see clearly.

Well, I fear I have become a member of a type of fan club and I am not enjoying it one bit. I am finding that my mind is preoccupied most of the time. I can see that my judgment has been impaired. My productivity has decreases a small amount. I am borderline obsessed. What is most frustrating is that I recognize my "fan clubness". I recognize how illogical it all is. I am not the only member. I see others who are members. Who are a little obsessed and find joy in a little piece of satisfaction. I HATE it. I hate that I have become this member of this fan club. I want to be set free.

so, all you kids out there who learned how to cope with your obsessions years ago. Help out this old lady who is experiencing it for the first time. How do I get past this? Cold Turkey? What?

Sick and tired...hard not to fall

This week has been tough. I started coughing on Monday night, after a wonderful celebration of my birthday by my family (well -Trevor). Tuesday morning I woke up from a not so great night sleep to drive my husband to the airport at 5a.m. I don't mind this..in fact much of my married life has been me driving my husband to the airport. He is gone a lot. On the way home I found myself driving 25 on the freeway because of very dense fog and coughing uncontrollably. I tried school that day...but only made 1/2 hour before finally deciding to ask for subs and just go home. (I did prep all my classes so the sub had it easy). I slept most of the day, until my daughter got home from school to tell me that the Crandall's had brought treats...Lexi had brought cake and candles while Ari had brought doughnuts. I felt guilty.

This guilt increased a little when I found out that my birthday is the same day as the day the Father of these wonderful girls died. Here they were thinking of me instead of them selves, when quite frankly they had every reason to have their own little pity party. I was grateful for the change in perspective.

The week continued. I just wasn't getting better and everything around me seemed to be falling apart. Teaching was a struggle...my voice was froggy and I often found myself coughing uncontrollably. Each day after teaching it was all I could do to drive home and climb into bed. I didn't grade papers all week and I didn't clean my house at all. Day by day went by and things were really starting to pile up. Each evening as I found myself wrapped in a blanket I found it could be easy for me to begin to feel great pity, which could then lead to great self loafing. This was a time when not only was I not keeping up and doing it all, but I wasn't even doing the bare minimum. It was really hard the evening I watched my two daughters eat cold cereal for dinner.

I seemed further and further from what I wanted to be...

I would usually struggle with this. You see, I came from a family of "no excuses". I am very good at taking full responsibility for all that I do...and sometimes responsibility for what others do. Only pointing the finger at myself...always. This doesn't do well with one's self esteem and it seemed I often struggled with that.

This week was a great experience. I learned to accept my situation. To accept the frustration the illness, the lonliness, and the lack of ability I seemed to temporarily have.

The gospel teaches us to be tolerant of others...sometimes we need to remember that we need to be tolerant of ourselves.

God loves us...just as we are, sick, healthy, productive, or not. Of this I know, of this I am grateful to know.

Now...don't get me wrong. As I get better I will continue to do all I can to be the best I can. but for today...I am o.k. sleeping a little more and letting someone else teach nursery today.

Good day to all.

Dances and Birthday wishes

Here I am on my birthday. Candles that can really light up the area, because there are so many. Wow...I am getting old!

And here is Jen...so darn cute taking off to pick up her date for preference and enjoy herself. Go Jen!

Done!

My husband decided a while ago to become a scuba instructor...not really sure why, maybe the extra money? Or maybe because his friend Jay talked him into it so he could help him, or maybe because as he says, "wouldn't it be great when I retire to find an Island somewhere, open a scuba shop, you can teach, and we can just be beach bums all day? Makes me wonder. mmmm..not a bad idea?

But this whole thing has taken a lot of time. John is often gone for business or the army and to add scuba stuff on top of that, well it almost drove me crazy. Fortunately, I survived? And today I am pleased to announce he passed and is completely certified to teach and the classed are over and the studying is done with and now...well we will see.

Unfortunately for me...he reminded me that while he would be home all day today, he was leaving tomorrow for a trip for his real job. To South Carolina, on my birthday, for three days. Oh well. I have him today and I will appreciate that. Friday when he comes home I will hopefully have a full weekend with him and maybe even sit with him during sacrament meeting.

Here are pictures of us when I was certifying for scuba diving. YEA me.

Basketball season

seventh grade style!

Go Elizabeth!

Elizabeth is my little girl. She loves to look cute, brush her hair, play with little kids, and cook. She looks forward to one day being a wife and a mother to a load of little kids. (I am very excited...because I am going to be one great Grandma!). And yet she doesn't really enjoy things like dancing, and other things I as her mother would define as "girly". She likes sports...tennis and basketball. Here she is on her seventh grade Jr. Jazz basketball team.

Go Elizabeth!
Go Team! Rachel, Emma, Sariah, Cygni, Anna, Amber, Jenna, and Ari.

the most perfect husband...for me

My wonderful Husband comes from a large family. His parents have had many struggles and many difficulties with children, finances, and many other things. Despite all of these struggles John's parents have always shown nothing but unconditional love to their children and to everyone around them. They are the most nonjudgmental people I know. Their door is always open to anyone who comes around and they are always filling plates of food to share with anyone who may be in need.

They also are very accepting of themselves and their own imperfections. They seldom allow other peoples opinions to change their course in life, whether good or bad, and choose to do what they feel is right.

John has many of these traits, of this I am grateful. I saw qualities in him I wanted in a husband. He has taught me much. He has always loved me and who I am, he has always had faith in me and what I can do. He has always supported me in my crazy ideas even those that cost a lot of money. He sees in me who I can become and who I am. I am not the greatest at singing his praises to those around me. I often listen to others talk of the wonders of their husbands but instead of chiming in and "bragging" about how wonderful mine is, I keep it to myself.

John and I have always had a wonderful marriage. We are always happy to see each other at the end of the day. Most nights are spent close to each other as we sleep, we just never seem to want to be very far from each other. He has always been there, even when he couldn't be home. I guess today I just want to say Thanks to him and share with the few people who might read this...how incredible my husband is.

trip to zion's in the winter

While our family was down in St. George John and I decided to visit Zion's' Canyon just to see it in the winter. We took Lizzy and although we couldn't hike because of the snow...we had a great afternoon. Here are some pics to enjoy!